A Whirlwind Week!

Saturday, May 3rd, 2014

After sharing the news of our referral with our families the night before, we woke up Saturday at my parents' home in Eldred, PA. I had been signed up to run a half marathon in Grand Island that morning, but suddenly it was an afterthought! Following our late night travel and emotionally charged evening, it was an easy decision to sleep in with my husband, instead of running 13.1 miles. We had a late breakfast at Perkins in Olean, NY and tried to talk through our next steps. To be honest, it was incredibly hard for us to focus or plan anything. Our minds were skipping all over the place and repeatedly resting on the only touchstone that really mattered; We were finally parents! The night before, after our referral, Jerri had forwarded an email to us with Eli's picture and we had both uploaded it as the screen saver on our iPhones. For the next few days, any conversation we tried to have would be suddenly interrupted with a silent pause as one of us turned on our phones and held the picture up for the other to see. This was real. Eli was real…I think we just had to keep reminding each other that our time had finally come.

After breakfast, we stopped in Allegany, NY to see my childhood best friend, Erin Waugaman, and fill her in. I had been in touch with her throughout the day, on Friday, so she was up to speed. I just needed to stop in for a hug. We were so anxious to make our news "official" so we could share with the rest of our close friends and family. We had waited so long for this moment, it was anti-intuitive to act like it wasn't happening. We wanted to shout it from the rooftops! Each time we were able to share the story with a loved one, it etched the events more clearly and permanently into our history. This was our family's story, unfolding. The prelude was written, and in our minds, we read it again and again, as we waited for the opportunity to write the first chapter. 

We made it back to Buffalo in time for my haircut, and then we were on our way to a rehearsal for "Cole!"- a Cole Porter musical review at Kaleidoscope that we both were cast in. During our breakfast that morning we had reevaluated our schedule and priorities for the next month or so, knowing that our travel to Colombia would conflict with many of our previous plans. It was a very difficult realization to arrive at and we had gone back and forth several times that morning, but we couldn't conceive of a way that we could remain in the show, practicing 4-5 evenings a week and then performing three weekends in June, while preparing the documentation, nursery, and travel arrangements for the adoption. We were almost certain we would be out of the country by the last weekend in June, so that would mean missing the final two performances, even if we could swing the rehearsal schedule. But, with a schedule  already packed with performances, work obligations, and family events, adding the adoption preparations was exciting, but overwhelming. We knew what we had to do; we just wished there was another way. The producer, Beth Wharton, and director of the show, Cindy Ripley, were both close personal friends and were well aware of our adoption journey. After rehearsal, we all went out for a glass of wine and we filled them in, letting them know that we would have to leave the cast. It was an emotional conversation, because we love both these women and didn't want to let them down, but we knew what the right decision was. Fortunately, they were so supportive and excited for us. We left them that evening feeling so blessed and loved. This was the beginning of many sacrifices we would make for our child, and although it was a bittersweet decision, it didn't overshadow our joy. In so many ways, the timing was perfect. We will able to travel during our school vacation, which means that we can both be in Colombia together, for our whole stay. Also, because it is during the summer, we won't have to take much leave from work for travel- another blessing. We had been so looking forward to performing together with friends and under the direction of our amazing and beloved Cindy Ripley, but it looked like it wasn't in the stars for us. Suddenly, Eli was the only star we had our eyes on, and he was brilliantly beautiful. His light was guiding us now, and we felt certain our future was bright. 

Sunday, May 4th, 2014
Sunday, we tried to resume some sense of normalcy. We had been up late both Friday and Saturday night, so we allowed ourself some extra sleep, and then headed out for groceries and errands. We ran ten miles at the Amherst bike path together (Jamie actually continued for twelve, while I opted to walk the last bit at a more leisurely pace). Running has been a refuge for me as I've waited for the referral. This year, Jamie started running with me a few times a week. This has been great "catch up" time for us to chat or sometimes just "be" together, silently. I know that it will be challenging to maintain my running schedule over the next few months, but I hope to keep squeezing it in wherever I can. It is such a great stress reliever for me, and when I'm alone, it becomes a moving meditation. My mind can just settle into being present and aware. I love the fresh air (no treadmills for me) and the natural happy high I feel from the endorphins at the end of a run. It is empowering. I've learned to be uncomfortable, I've learned to just keep moving, I've learned patience and gained endurance. I think these attributes will serve me well when facing the challenges of parenthood.

Sunday evening ended with another "Cole!" rehearsal for me and a Lake Effect rehearsal for Jamie. (The Lake Effect is the men's a cappella group Jamie sings in. These five guys have become close friends over the years and they rehearse in our home Sunday evenings- another thing that will change when Eli joins us.) Jamie let the boys know that they would be looking for a replacement for the summer  gigs they had already booked, and Cindy and I broke the news to the cast. Jamie and I would be coming to one more rehearsal so we could continue to block numbers with the appropriate number of actors, but then we would be leaving the show.

Monday, May 5th, 2014
Monday, we both headed into school and tried to keep a low profile. It was so hard to keep quiet, but we only had one more day until our pediatrician appointment and then we could officially accept the referral offer. I stayed in my classroom all day and avoided conversation with co-workers. Jerri had given us a to do list at the referral, and so we were already making phone calls, faxing documents and tackling the tasks we could, at this point. Jamie called Detective Moore at the Tonawanda Police Station and explained that we would need to update our FBI fingerprints ASAP, and this wonderful man made room in his schedule for us right after school, Monday. Years ago, the first time we went through the FBI clearance process, another policeman who we knew had given us Detective Moore's name as a contact. He had shared our adoption journey with Moore and when we met him, he greeted us like we were old friends. Monday was the third time (three years in a row) that he had fingerprinted us, and the first time we had some good news for him! The three of us chatted excitedly as he fingerprinted us each two times (just to be safe) and then we were out the door, again. I had a dinner date with my mom at the Galleria, and then Jamie and I met up again at our last rehearsal for "Cole!"

The evening ended with a late night phone call with two of our dearest friends, my cousin and his wife- Mark and Kelle, who live out in Colorado. Kelle is an OB-GYN, so we had wanted to touch base and share Eli's medical file to see if she had any thoughts, concerns or observations. The four of us had a nice long talk and Kelle was very reassuring. We love these two people so much and were so grateful for that time to talk with them.

Tuesday, May 6th, 2014
We took Tuesday off from work and headed in to meet our new pediatrician, Dr. Zmuda. We were pleased to find her warm, charismatic, and very approachable. We talked through Eli's medical file and she filled us in on some possible needs he might have. Again, we were reassured. Dr. Zmuda, Kelle, and Jerri all agreed that his mild medical needs were very manageable and there is a good chance they will correct themselves. Eli has been receiving some physical therapy for motor skill delays, which is very typical of institutionalized children. He also was born three weeks premature and he had a few issues at birth that he appears to have recovered from. There's some concern about the premature closing of his soft spot, at the top of his head, but they've been monitoring this with a specialist and haven't seen any reason to pursue any sort of treatment yet. This was the one issue we just wanted to gather more information on, and Dr. Zmuda's answers were comforting. Even in the worst case scenario, the information we were given indicates that Eli's condition would be medically correctable with no long term effects. Of course, after staring at his picture for five days and wrapping our brains around the concept of having a son, I don't think it would've mattered what Dr. Zmuda said. This little boy needed us and we needed him. We were already committed. Eli was our son.

I ran into school to run a rehearsal for our upcoming 3rd Grade spring concert (I didn't want to drop that on a substitute teacher!) and Jamie ran home to type up our official letter of acceptance. He picked me up at school and we stopped at FedEx to fax the letter to Jerri and send out our FBI fingerprints and clearance paperwork. We came home, made another important phone call, and took a little nap! We were both exhausted. We are not night owls anymore; I think that stopped somewhere around age 35 for me. All this emotion, energy and the late nights were definitely wearing me out! Around 4pm, I started working on a digital announcement of our referral, as we waited for Jerri to confirm that she had received our letter and we could make our official announcement.

We finally heard from Jerri around 10pm via a text reply to my impatient, "This is real now, right?!! Can we go ahead and announce to friends and family?" We both jumped when an hour and a half later,  the phone 'dinged' back her response. "Yes, it's real. Eli Holden." AHHHHH!!!! We started posting our news and I put in an overnight order for two poster size prints of Eli to take to work the next day! Needless to say, it was another sleepless night!

Wednesday, May 7th, 2014
Wednesday was an amazing day! My friend, Angela, picked up our poster pics form Walgreens and drove me to work. We waited in the front office with the 11x14 picture and shared the news with my colleagues as they walked in. I can't even explain how cathartic the experience was…Sharing hugs, tears (sometimes full on sobbing) and smiles with the teachers who have quietly supported and rooted for me over the span of almost twelve years as Jamie and I struggled to find our way to parenthood. Everyone was so happy and moved by the announcement of our referral. I think we spent a half hour just standing in the office, telling the miraculous story of his name, explaining the secrecy of the past few days, answering the questions I could, and just staring at his picture in awe. My friends at Holmes Elementary truly celebrated with me that morning. I will always hold that time dear in my heart. Of course, there were students who happened upon our celebration, too, and they were equally thrilled. In preparation for our impending referral and travel, I had been telling my students that we were planning to adopt a child from Colombia, that we would be traveling at some point, etc. Sharing the process with "my kids" at school has been amazing. They ask really honest questions. They are genuinely interested in the answers. Kids also have such an incredible capacity for love and acceptance. My students know how much parenthood means to me and they want it for me. I just love them for that.
I had promised them that when I did get the referral, I would put a big picture up outside my classroom to share the news with all of them. So…Eli's picture went up next to my door with a big sign, "Meet Eli! Elias James Holden, 7 months old. Bogota, Colombia." Throughout the next few days, students would gather around the picture to ask questions, compliment Eli, and congratulate me. My first graders included Eli in our hello and goodbye songs. My fourth grade choir asked if I would record them singing our song "Path to the Moon," a lullaby, and share the recording with Eli when I went to Colombia. All day long, kids came to hug me and tell me how happy they were. They wanted to know if he would go to school at Holmes, would I teach him Spanish and English, would I come back and teach next year, who was taking care of Eli right now?!! Their questions were endless but so endearing. Because they care. They've been my only kids for so long…It was a gift to share this joy with all of them.

Jamie also shared the news at Lindbergh Elementary and they were equally excited. That very first day, we received gifts from some of his teachers. They had read our news on Facebook and came to school prepared! It was a day full of love and rejoicing. Phone calls, emails, texts, flowers delivered, cards, gifts, hugs! I still haven't caught up with thank you notes and returning all the phone calls and emails! Please know it isn't a lack of gratitude that prevents me from responding. There simply haven't been enough hours in the day to properly respond to the multitude of blessings we've received via special people in our lives. What an amazing community of family and friends we are bringing Eli into!

On the paperwork side of things, we were able to contact both of our doctors and secure the necessary updated medical evaluations from them, and we contacted the psychologist FANA uses to get an updated psychological evaluation, as well. So much to do! That evening, we received an email from the Coordinator of the Department of Children at FANA, Lorena Panqueva Hoyos, MD. Lorena is a former FANA child, herself, so she has a meaningful connection to the mission of FANA and the children there. She emailed us to give us more information about Eli and we found out that he is currently 15 lbs and 26 inches (2 ft. and 2") long. He is learning to sit up on his own and grabbing objects with both hands, as well as exchanging from hand to hand. He babbles, screams, laughs loudly, and is making vowel combination sounds. He is described as a happy baby who communicates with caregivers (the nurses at FANA) and bonds easily with those around him. They are expecting his first teeth to appear soon, and his current diet includes sweet fruits, soups with vegetables, and chicken and beef- all in a compote style, not solid. His physical therapy will continue until we receive him, but his therapist says that he is now developmentally normal for an institutionalized child. We should expect to see leaps in his developmental progress once he is settled into our care. Everyone who has been through the FANA experience tells us it is absolutely amazing what the love of a mom and dad can do for a child. The FANA kids seem to blossom once they have the security and support of a family. We are so looking forward to being Eli's family.

Thursday, May 8th, 2014
Thursday was a quieter day. We continued to celebrate with friends and family. Already, talk of showers has begun! After school, we drove out to Hamburg, NY together for Jamie's haircut and had dinner with his parents. After Jamie's haircut, we went for a little drive through some of the quieter neighborhoods of our old town. We lived in Hamburg for seven years and really love the area. Tonawanda is much closer to work and we have a great little neighborhood, but we hope to eventually buy some land and move south again where we can have a little more space. It was a beautiful night, warm and balmy…The kind of night I look forward to sharing with Eli, in the back yard, in a jogging stroller, hanging out with neighbors, or picnicking with Daddy! So many adventures ahead!

Friday, May 9th, 2014
Today was a superintendent's conference day at school and our department was assigned the work of grading each other's SLO and Achievement Measures for the purposes of APPR. For those of you who aren't educator's, don't let all the acronyms overwhelm you. What it all adds up to is stress, pressure, and disgruntled colleagues. I tried to stay focused on the thought of my little boy and frequently clicked my phone on to stare at his precious face. Up until recently, my life has centered around my work. My job, my students, my music program…they have been my "baby." Work has always filled in my gaps, but with the increasing demands on our time and energy, the negativity surrounding our profession, and the sad state of public education in our country, what used to thrill me has started, in the last two years, to fall quite short of joy. I need to step away for a bit, need to catch my breath and re-prioritize. This was a difficult day for me. I felt myself being sucked back into the illusion that all this busy work, the testing, the paperwork, the accountability measures, the data…are important. That they are a priority.
This is not to say I don't find teacher evaluation or student assessment valuable. In fact, I think my colleagues would fault me for finding too much meaning in both. I am a huge advocate for formative assessment for learning. I believe good teachers assess their students as part of the learning process, not separate from it. The assessments should be meaningful to teachers and students, relevant and related to essential parts of the curriculum. This isn't a blog about my profession or my work as a music educator, but I need to say that our state and national government are making it next to impossible to assess properly. I won't go into the reasons why assessment has become a source of frustration, resentment and contention amongst teachers, administrators and parents…What I need to say in relation to Eli and parenthood, is that I am saddened by the conditions I work in now. I don't feel like I believe in the system I work in anymore. The children, my students, continue to be my inspiration and the source of strength that gets me out of bed and to work each day. But, so much about the work I'm forced to do now…Where my energy and time and focus has to go to meet the demands of the profession, is disheartening. I wonder if it will change before Eli goes to school. I hope so. I hope it gets better sooner. For all of our children…
After work, I went on a rare shopping trip and purchased picture frames for both Jamie's and my mom, my grandma and our sisters. We ordered Eli's referral picture for the frames and coupled them with flowers for Mother's Day gifts. Also, we finally received our psychological evaluation and reviewed it. We found a few typos that the psychologist can correct (Columbia is in the United States, but Colombia is the country Eli was born in), but otherwise, it appears that we are fit to be Eli's parents!

Saturday, May 10th, 2014
Saturday we traveled back to Olean, NY, for our niece, Lydia's 5th birthday party. It was another beautiful day and we really enjoyed some time with family, including my 87 year old grandparents. After the party, Jamie and I ran 7 miles on the Olean bike path and talked about Eli the whole time! We can't wait to take him out in a jogging stroller with us. There are so many beautiful paths to run and we really enjoy the time outside.
Back at my mom's house ("Oma" to her grandkids), we started piecing together Eli's crib quilt. My mom had ordered a stack of neutral cottons for me, earlier this year, and now I was anxious to get started. This nursery is going to have to come together fast! Jamie cut strips of fabric with my mom, and I pieced them together on the sewing machine. Once the blanket is all pieced, it will be hand quilted by my mom and my grandma will add some touches of hand-embroidery. That little boy will be wrapped up in the love of three generations! I love that I can sew with my mom and grandma. I know I am so blessed to have them both in our lives.

Mother's Day, May 11th, 2014
My first Mother's Day! I feel so blessed to be Eli's mama! I've waited so long for this little one to come into our lives and knowing he is here, in our world, now, is such an amazing gift. We woke up in Eldred and Jamie made us all breakfast while mom and I finished piecing the quilt top together. My mom and sister spoiled me with Mother's Day gifts and then, later, my grandma and grandpa stopped by to visit. Then, we were off to Hamburg to meet up with the Holden crew for dinner. It was a festive meal! In order to help us free up some time to work on the nursery, Jamie's family had offered to celebrate Mother's Day and his birthday (May 18th) together. So, it was quite the party! Gifts were plentiful, we got to play with our nephews, Ryan and Callan, and there was even a birthday cake for dessert! Both of our families are just thrilled to be welcoming Eli and they made us feel so loved and supported today. It was the perfect ending to our whirlwind week- a reminder of what matters most. The gift of family.

A Mother's Day to Remember

"The worst part of life is waiting- The best part of life is having someone worth waiting for." - Jessica Brumley

On Friday, May 2nd, 2014, the best part of our life began! Just in time for Mother's Day, which in past years has been a bittersweet holiday for me, we received unexpected news of our adoption referral. The past week has been an absolute whirlwind of emotion, activity, joy and anxiety! It is surreal, and perhaps one of the unique gifts adoption offers. One email, one phone call, and your entire perspective, your world as you have known it, shifts instantaneously to allow this new reality to exist. Instant parenthood. It is bliss, and also barely believable. Jamie and I keep looking at each other and bursting out in tear-filled laughter with the crazy joy of it. This is real. This is our life. We finally have a child, a face, a name, a son…to wait for.

REFERRAL DAY:
Friday, May 2nd, 2014 was special to begin with. The evening before, I had taken my soon to be five year old niece, Lydia, to Beauty and the Beast at Shea's Theatre in Buffalo as a birthday gift from her Uncle Jamie and I. Because it was a late night for our little Lydia, she spent the night with us and I took a personal day off from work to spend some time with her before taking her back home. Jamie went to work, as usual, and I was in the process of cooking breakfast for Lydia when Jamie called from school. "Are you sitting down?" Dread crept up through me as I seated myself across from Lydia at the kitchen table and answered, "Oh, no. What  happened? Is everyone ok?" Lydia stopped coloring and watched me, eyes wide. Jamie was scattered and stumbling over his words. "Hold on, I need to pull this email up and read it to you word for word. I'm confused. I think…Just listen." He read a brief email stating FANA was offering us a child, that we should set up an appointment immediately with our pediatrician to review the file, and that Jerri, our Families of FANA director, wanted us to call her immediately. She said she was available to meet with us Sunday afternoon to go over the child's information. She also mentioned that we needed to keep the information confidential for the time being. Then, my husband's voice, broken with emotion, uttered, "I think we just  got our referral."

Later, when my sister's husband, Rick, came to pick her up early from our house, Lydia told her step-dad, "Aunt Heady is crazy! She smiles when she cries!" And it was true. With Jamie's news, I burst into tears, while grinning from ear to ear. "What?" "How is that even possible?!!" We didn't know of any other couples who had received referrals in early May. We had been certain that the next referrals we would see (and we were praying hard that one would be ours) would be in July at the FANA Family Picnic and Golf Tournament weekend. It had never even occurred to us that it could happen before then. Both Jamie and I were caught completely off guard and emotionally vulnerable. The tears just wouldn't  stop. Jamie decided to come home from school immediately and I called my sister to make new arrangements for Lydia. When Jamie walked in the back door of the house, I ran to him and we just held each other and sobbed for several minutes. Was it possible? Could our years of waiting, wishing, yearning, come to an end so suddenly? We knew nothing. The email included no information about the age or sex of the child and we were baffled by the suddenness of it all. Why now? Why us? Then again, if this was real, if a child really was waiting for us…There was no question to answer. Yes, yes, and praise God, "Yes!" We were ready.

We called Jerri together and tried to get more information only to find out we needed to have a pediatrician appointment on the books before she could release background and medical information to us. It was important to Jerri that we would be able to properly process the information we were given, with an expert in child development. She made it clear that she was not an  expert and couldn't play that role. She told us to get the appointment and then call back. I, growing increasingly anxious about the validity of the entire scenario, pushed to meet sooner. "How can we possibly sit on this until Sunday?" "We will get the appointment, one way or another, just please tell me we can meet with you today or tonight! I will come to your house at 10pm with a bottle of wine, if need be!" I chirped. "We need to know." "Get the appointment and call me back," was the answer. Poor Jerri, she was in the process of packing to leave town for an overdue vacation, and she had received our referral late Thursday night, with no warning. Now, she had to deal with me…and I was pretty much finished with patient. I was persistent and insistent. If she knew something about our child, our referral,  our family to be…Well, I wanted to know it, too! Thank God Jerri has lots of experience and tolerance for waiting moms like myself. She stayed very calm and centered as I started to spiral into a delirious kind of high speed anxiety.

Somehow, amongst all the other details surrounding our adoption paperwork and process, we had missed a detail. We were already supposed to have a pediatrician waiting in the wings. This way, when we got our referral, we could call him or her up and get an immediate appointment. Well…We didn't have a pediatrician, but I was bound and determined we were getting one within the hour! We called Jamie's sister who lives near us and has two boys and asked for recommendations. She gave us the names of a few places she and her friends liked and we started making phone calls. I also called my general doctor's office and asked for a referral. Our first choice was Kenmore Pediatrics because we had heard great things about them and we knew other FANA families had gone there, so they would have adoption experience. But, it took us several phone calls and some internet searching to find out that they had merged with Delaware Pediatrics and were at a new location. Lucky for us, once we understood this, the rest was smooth sailing. I called the Delaware Pediatrics office, explained our situation and they were incredibly kind and helpful. The receptionist even had one of the doctors get on the line and talk to me for a bit. "Congratulations! How are holding up? This has got to be a pretty emotional day for you," Dr. Schank said as he took the phone. I was so grateful for that acknowledgement. Immediately, I felt at ease and I put him on speaker phone as he walked Jamie and I through the next steps. He was booked solid but suggested another doctor in the practice that he thought would be a good match. Then we were back on with the receptionist who booked us early Tuesday morning for a consultation with our new pediatrician, Dr. Joyce Zmuda. We called Jerri back with grins on our faces and left a breathless voicemail. "We've got our appointment! When can you meet with us? Please call us back and tell us what will work for you…We can't wait to find out more!"

The agony of waiting, at this point, was almost more than I could bare. I cycled through joy, then anxiety and fear, then anger at the lack of information and finally back to calm and hopeful. We knew if Jerri could meet us, it would be out in the Southtowns, so we headed out to Jamie's credit union in Hamburg to work out the financial end of things. We've been steadfastly paying down debt and making all sorts of adjustments in our lives (packing lunches, making our own coffee, driving one car instead of two, limiting social expenses, eating at home) to prepare our financial house for a referral. Still, we knew the remaining expenses were more than we could handle on our own. So, we figured we might as well get right on top of that controllable aspect, while we waited to hear back from Jerri. By late afternoon, we had made it over to Jamie's parents' house in Hamburg where we waited for her phone call. By now, we had alerted our parents and sisters of the possibility of the referral, but we knew we couldn't share the news with anyone else just yet. Jamie's parents convinced us to try to relax for a bit in their hot tub, so we put our phones within arms' reach and tried to be calm…But, of  course, our heads were spinning with questions.

The phone finally rang around 4:00pm, just a few minutes after we had gotten into the hot tub! Jamie couldn't get the speaker phone to switch on with his wet fingers, so I did my best to ascertain the news based on his responses. He hung up grinning and said, "We're on for 7pm!" Suddenly, all my anxiety dissipated. This was it. This was happening. Tonight. We were going to meet our child, at least on paper, tonight. We spread the news to both our parents and sisters and made plans to reconnect with them late that night, after we met with Jerri and Annie, who will soon replace Jerri as director of our FANA families organization. We cleaned ourselves up and joined Jamie's parents for an impromptu dinner out at Red Lobster and then came back to the house to kill another hour before we could go. We both crashed for a little bit, exhausted from the emotion of the day, and then we were back in the car and headed to Jerri's to receive our referral.

When we first arrived, it was nervous small talk as we settled around a large kitchen table prepared with wine, glasses, and some paperwork. As Jerri chatted about her upcoming trip, I glanced at the small stack of papers on the table, covered by her notebook. A little white edge stuck out and in black print I made out the name "Eli." Impertinently, I pointed at it and burst out, "I'm so sorry, but is THAT our referral?" "Eli?!!" Jerri smiled and nodded, "Well, yes. I guess you know now…It's a boy!" Still stunned, I stammered, "But, Eli.." She handed me the paper and said, "Yeah, it is an unusual name, isn't it? We've never had an Eli before." Jamie and I stared at each other through tears. "It's the name we chose," I managed to choke out. "We picked that name for a boy almost twelve years ago…" Annie laughed out loud and shook her head. "Well, I guess it is decided then!" Jerri told us that she had hoped we would consider keeping his given name because it was so beautiful, while I tried to process what was happening. Our little boy's birth mother had given him the same name we chose for him? It seemed providential. It was incredibly comforting. I took a deep breath and continued to read along as Jerri read the papers out loud. "Eli Lopez Ramirez, born September 25th, 2013."

We learned that our little boy is seven months old. He was born three weeks premature, but his birth mother had an otherwise normal, healthy pregnancy and delivery. He has a few medical concerns that we needed to review with our pediatrician, but nothing that scared us or overwhelmed us. After a half hour or so of reading and discussing. Jamie asked, "Can we see his picture?" Jerri explained that she believed sometimes the pictures could cloud your judgement and she wanted us to hear all of the information before we attached it to a face. Jamie said something like, "We work with hundreds of kids a week. We know that they look different to you once you know them and care about them. They all become beautiful…" and I remember preparing myself for the possibility of a picture of a child I felt no connection to or even secretly found a little odd looking. It didn't matter. I knew I would love him, regardless of what that picture looked like because he needed me to be his mama and I needed to give him all the love I'd been saving for a child. But, Jerri finally revealed his picture and we both gasped and welled up at the sweetness of his big dark eyes and plump baby lips. "He is beautiful," Jamie managed to whisper as we squeezed each other's hands and took in our first look at our son, our Eli.

It was other worldly. We left the meeting with our photocopied picture and a few pages of faxed information on Eli and drove back to the Holden's house where Jamie's parents and his sister, Kelly and her family eagerly awaited our return. Jamie walked in touting the pic and a huge grin. Everyone cheered and then we attempted to share all the details of the meeting with them. Then, we were back on the road and driving down to Eldred, Pa (2 hours south of Buffalo) to my parents' house. On the drive there we discussed Eli's formal name and decided on Elias James Holden. Eli had been our chosen name for a boy ever since we started talking about parenthood, but at first it was Elijah, formally. When we decided to adopt from Colombia, we researched Spanish names and found the Spanish version of Elijah was Elias, which we grew to love even more. James was my idea because I liked the way it sounded with Elias and it was Jamie's given name as well as his father's middle name. I also liked the idea of giving our adopted son his "real" father's (versus his birth father's) name as a symbol of family stability and true belonging. At first Jamie wasn't sure how he felt about giving our son his own name, but it had grown on him and when we talked about it that evening, we both felt certain about our choice. We arrived in Eldred shortly after 11pm and my mom and sister met us at the door, giggly and antsy with anticipation. We made the big reveal of the picture in our living room and spent the next hour discussing details, staring at the three photos we had, and shaking our heads at the wonder of it all. Finally, we stumbled up to bed, happy and ready for sleep.

The following days were so full…I do want to record the details to share with interested family and friends, but also to someday share with Eli. But, I think I will have to catch you all up over the course of the next few days. I had an amazing Mother's Day. The love and support Jamie and I are receiving from family and friends is incredible. We feel so blessed and so grateful to be Eli's parents and to be bringing him into such a warm, loving community. It feels as though life is beginning all over again for us. Such great adventures are on our horizon. Thank you for walking this road with us. We are full of  love and joy.