A Whirlwind Week!

Saturday, May 3rd, 2014

After sharing the news of our referral with our families the night before, we woke up Saturday at my parents' home in Eldred, PA. I had been signed up to run a half marathon in Grand Island that morning, but suddenly it was an afterthought! Following our late night travel and emotionally charged evening, it was an easy decision to sleep in with my husband, instead of running 13.1 miles. We had a late breakfast at Perkins in Olean, NY and tried to talk through our next steps. To be honest, it was incredibly hard for us to focus or plan anything. Our minds were skipping all over the place and repeatedly resting on the only touchstone that really mattered; We were finally parents! The night before, after our referral, Jerri had forwarded an email to us with Eli's picture and we had both uploaded it as the screen saver on our iPhones. For the next few days, any conversation we tried to have would be suddenly interrupted with a silent pause as one of us turned on our phones and held the picture up for the other to see. This was real. Eli was real…I think we just had to keep reminding each other that our time had finally come.

After breakfast, we stopped in Allegany, NY to see my childhood best friend, Erin Waugaman, and fill her in. I had been in touch with her throughout the day, on Friday, so she was up to speed. I just needed to stop in for a hug. We were so anxious to make our news "official" so we could share with the rest of our close friends and family. We had waited so long for this moment, it was anti-intuitive to act like it wasn't happening. We wanted to shout it from the rooftops! Each time we were able to share the story with a loved one, it etched the events more clearly and permanently into our history. This was our family's story, unfolding. The prelude was written, and in our minds, we read it again and again, as we waited for the opportunity to write the first chapter. 

We made it back to Buffalo in time for my haircut, and then we were on our way to a rehearsal for "Cole!"- a Cole Porter musical review at Kaleidoscope that we both were cast in. During our breakfast that morning we had reevaluated our schedule and priorities for the next month or so, knowing that our travel to Colombia would conflict with many of our previous plans. It was a very difficult realization to arrive at and we had gone back and forth several times that morning, but we couldn't conceive of a way that we could remain in the show, practicing 4-5 evenings a week and then performing three weekends in June, while preparing the documentation, nursery, and travel arrangements for the adoption. We were almost certain we would be out of the country by the last weekend in June, so that would mean missing the final two performances, even if we could swing the rehearsal schedule. But, with a schedule  already packed with performances, work obligations, and family events, adding the adoption preparations was exciting, but overwhelming. We knew what we had to do; we just wished there was another way. The producer, Beth Wharton, and director of the show, Cindy Ripley, were both close personal friends and were well aware of our adoption journey. After rehearsal, we all went out for a glass of wine and we filled them in, letting them know that we would have to leave the cast. It was an emotional conversation, because we love both these women and didn't want to let them down, but we knew what the right decision was. Fortunately, they were so supportive and excited for us. We left them that evening feeling so blessed and loved. This was the beginning of many sacrifices we would make for our child, and although it was a bittersweet decision, it didn't overshadow our joy. In so many ways, the timing was perfect. We will able to travel during our school vacation, which means that we can both be in Colombia together, for our whole stay. Also, because it is during the summer, we won't have to take much leave from work for travel- another blessing. We had been so looking forward to performing together with friends and under the direction of our amazing and beloved Cindy Ripley, but it looked like it wasn't in the stars for us. Suddenly, Eli was the only star we had our eyes on, and he was brilliantly beautiful. His light was guiding us now, and we felt certain our future was bright. 

Sunday, May 4th, 2014
Sunday, we tried to resume some sense of normalcy. We had been up late both Friday and Saturday night, so we allowed ourself some extra sleep, and then headed out for groceries and errands. We ran ten miles at the Amherst bike path together (Jamie actually continued for twelve, while I opted to walk the last bit at a more leisurely pace). Running has been a refuge for me as I've waited for the referral. This year, Jamie started running with me a few times a week. This has been great "catch up" time for us to chat or sometimes just "be" together, silently. I know that it will be challenging to maintain my running schedule over the next few months, but I hope to keep squeezing it in wherever I can. It is such a great stress reliever for me, and when I'm alone, it becomes a moving meditation. My mind can just settle into being present and aware. I love the fresh air (no treadmills for me) and the natural happy high I feel from the endorphins at the end of a run. It is empowering. I've learned to be uncomfortable, I've learned to just keep moving, I've learned patience and gained endurance. I think these attributes will serve me well when facing the challenges of parenthood.

Sunday evening ended with another "Cole!" rehearsal for me and a Lake Effect rehearsal for Jamie. (The Lake Effect is the men's a cappella group Jamie sings in. These five guys have become close friends over the years and they rehearse in our home Sunday evenings- another thing that will change when Eli joins us.) Jamie let the boys know that they would be looking for a replacement for the summer  gigs they had already booked, and Cindy and I broke the news to the cast. Jamie and I would be coming to one more rehearsal so we could continue to block numbers with the appropriate number of actors, but then we would be leaving the show.

Monday, May 5th, 2014
Monday, we both headed into school and tried to keep a low profile. It was so hard to keep quiet, but we only had one more day until our pediatrician appointment and then we could officially accept the referral offer. I stayed in my classroom all day and avoided conversation with co-workers. Jerri had given us a to do list at the referral, and so we were already making phone calls, faxing documents and tackling the tasks we could, at this point. Jamie called Detective Moore at the Tonawanda Police Station and explained that we would need to update our FBI fingerprints ASAP, and this wonderful man made room in his schedule for us right after school, Monday. Years ago, the first time we went through the FBI clearance process, another policeman who we knew had given us Detective Moore's name as a contact. He had shared our adoption journey with Moore and when we met him, he greeted us like we were old friends. Monday was the third time (three years in a row) that he had fingerprinted us, and the first time we had some good news for him! The three of us chatted excitedly as he fingerprinted us each two times (just to be safe) and then we were out the door, again. I had a dinner date with my mom at the Galleria, and then Jamie and I met up again at our last rehearsal for "Cole!"

The evening ended with a late night phone call with two of our dearest friends, my cousin and his wife- Mark and Kelle, who live out in Colorado. Kelle is an OB-GYN, so we had wanted to touch base and share Eli's medical file to see if she had any thoughts, concerns or observations. The four of us had a nice long talk and Kelle was very reassuring. We love these two people so much and were so grateful for that time to talk with them.

Tuesday, May 6th, 2014
We took Tuesday off from work and headed in to meet our new pediatrician, Dr. Zmuda. We were pleased to find her warm, charismatic, and very approachable. We talked through Eli's medical file and she filled us in on some possible needs he might have. Again, we were reassured. Dr. Zmuda, Kelle, and Jerri all agreed that his mild medical needs were very manageable and there is a good chance they will correct themselves. Eli has been receiving some physical therapy for motor skill delays, which is very typical of institutionalized children. He also was born three weeks premature and he had a few issues at birth that he appears to have recovered from. There's some concern about the premature closing of his soft spot, at the top of his head, but they've been monitoring this with a specialist and haven't seen any reason to pursue any sort of treatment yet. This was the one issue we just wanted to gather more information on, and Dr. Zmuda's answers were comforting. Even in the worst case scenario, the information we were given indicates that Eli's condition would be medically correctable with no long term effects. Of course, after staring at his picture for five days and wrapping our brains around the concept of having a son, I don't think it would've mattered what Dr. Zmuda said. This little boy needed us and we needed him. We were already committed. Eli was our son.

I ran into school to run a rehearsal for our upcoming 3rd Grade spring concert (I didn't want to drop that on a substitute teacher!) and Jamie ran home to type up our official letter of acceptance. He picked me up at school and we stopped at FedEx to fax the letter to Jerri and send out our FBI fingerprints and clearance paperwork. We came home, made another important phone call, and took a little nap! We were both exhausted. We are not night owls anymore; I think that stopped somewhere around age 35 for me. All this emotion, energy and the late nights were definitely wearing me out! Around 4pm, I started working on a digital announcement of our referral, as we waited for Jerri to confirm that she had received our letter and we could make our official announcement.

We finally heard from Jerri around 10pm via a text reply to my impatient, "This is real now, right?!! Can we go ahead and announce to friends and family?" We both jumped when an hour and a half later,  the phone 'dinged' back her response. "Yes, it's real. Eli Holden." AHHHHH!!!! We started posting our news and I put in an overnight order for two poster size prints of Eli to take to work the next day! Needless to say, it was another sleepless night!

Wednesday, May 7th, 2014
Wednesday was an amazing day! My friend, Angela, picked up our poster pics form Walgreens and drove me to work. We waited in the front office with the 11x14 picture and shared the news with my colleagues as they walked in. I can't even explain how cathartic the experience was…Sharing hugs, tears (sometimes full on sobbing) and smiles with the teachers who have quietly supported and rooted for me over the span of almost twelve years as Jamie and I struggled to find our way to parenthood. Everyone was so happy and moved by the announcement of our referral. I think we spent a half hour just standing in the office, telling the miraculous story of his name, explaining the secrecy of the past few days, answering the questions I could, and just staring at his picture in awe. My friends at Holmes Elementary truly celebrated with me that morning. I will always hold that time dear in my heart. Of course, there were students who happened upon our celebration, too, and they were equally thrilled. In preparation for our impending referral and travel, I had been telling my students that we were planning to adopt a child from Colombia, that we would be traveling at some point, etc. Sharing the process with "my kids" at school has been amazing. They ask really honest questions. They are genuinely interested in the answers. Kids also have such an incredible capacity for love and acceptance. My students know how much parenthood means to me and they want it for me. I just love them for that.
I had promised them that when I did get the referral, I would put a big picture up outside my classroom to share the news with all of them. So…Eli's picture went up next to my door with a big sign, "Meet Eli! Elias James Holden, 7 months old. Bogota, Colombia." Throughout the next few days, students would gather around the picture to ask questions, compliment Eli, and congratulate me. My first graders included Eli in our hello and goodbye songs. My fourth grade choir asked if I would record them singing our song "Path to the Moon," a lullaby, and share the recording with Eli when I went to Colombia. All day long, kids came to hug me and tell me how happy they were. They wanted to know if he would go to school at Holmes, would I teach him Spanish and English, would I come back and teach next year, who was taking care of Eli right now?!! Their questions were endless but so endearing. Because they care. They've been my only kids for so long…It was a gift to share this joy with all of them.

Jamie also shared the news at Lindbergh Elementary and they were equally excited. That very first day, we received gifts from some of his teachers. They had read our news on Facebook and came to school prepared! It was a day full of love and rejoicing. Phone calls, emails, texts, flowers delivered, cards, gifts, hugs! I still haven't caught up with thank you notes and returning all the phone calls and emails! Please know it isn't a lack of gratitude that prevents me from responding. There simply haven't been enough hours in the day to properly respond to the multitude of blessings we've received via special people in our lives. What an amazing community of family and friends we are bringing Eli into!

On the paperwork side of things, we were able to contact both of our doctors and secure the necessary updated medical evaluations from them, and we contacted the psychologist FANA uses to get an updated psychological evaluation, as well. So much to do! That evening, we received an email from the Coordinator of the Department of Children at FANA, Lorena Panqueva Hoyos, MD. Lorena is a former FANA child, herself, so she has a meaningful connection to the mission of FANA and the children there. She emailed us to give us more information about Eli and we found out that he is currently 15 lbs and 26 inches (2 ft. and 2") long. He is learning to sit up on his own and grabbing objects with both hands, as well as exchanging from hand to hand. He babbles, screams, laughs loudly, and is making vowel combination sounds. He is described as a happy baby who communicates with caregivers (the nurses at FANA) and bonds easily with those around him. They are expecting his first teeth to appear soon, and his current diet includes sweet fruits, soups with vegetables, and chicken and beef- all in a compote style, not solid. His physical therapy will continue until we receive him, but his therapist says that he is now developmentally normal for an institutionalized child. We should expect to see leaps in his developmental progress once he is settled into our care. Everyone who has been through the FANA experience tells us it is absolutely amazing what the love of a mom and dad can do for a child. The FANA kids seem to blossom once they have the security and support of a family. We are so looking forward to being Eli's family.

Thursday, May 8th, 2014
Thursday was a quieter day. We continued to celebrate with friends and family. Already, talk of showers has begun! After school, we drove out to Hamburg, NY together for Jamie's haircut and had dinner with his parents. After Jamie's haircut, we went for a little drive through some of the quieter neighborhoods of our old town. We lived in Hamburg for seven years and really love the area. Tonawanda is much closer to work and we have a great little neighborhood, but we hope to eventually buy some land and move south again where we can have a little more space. It was a beautiful night, warm and balmy…The kind of night I look forward to sharing with Eli, in the back yard, in a jogging stroller, hanging out with neighbors, or picnicking with Daddy! So many adventures ahead!

Friday, May 9th, 2014
Today was a superintendent's conference day at school and our department was assigned the work of grading each other's SLO and Achievement Measures for the purposes of APPR. For those of you who aren't educator's, don't let all the acronyms overwhelm you. What it all adds up to is stress, pressure, and disgruntled colleagues. I tried to stay focused on the thought of my little boy and frequently clicked my phone on to stare at his precious face. Up until recently, my life has centered around my work. My job, my students, my music program…they have been my "baby." Work has always filled in my gaps, but with the increasing demands on our time and energy, the negativity surrounding our profession, and the sad state of public education in our country, what used to thrill me has started, in the last two years, to fall quite short of joy. I need to step away for a bit, need to catch my breath and re-prioritize. This was a difficult day for me. I felt myself being sucked back into the illusion that all this busy work, the testing, the paperwork, the accountability measures, the data…are important. That they are a priority.
This is not to say I don't find teacher evaluation or student assessment valuable. In fact, I think my colleagues would fault me for finding too much meaning in both. I am a huge advocate for formative assessment for learning. I believe good teachers assess their students as part of the learning process, not separate from it. The assessments should be meaningful to teachers and students, relevant and related to essential parts of the curriculum. This isn't a blog about my profession or my work as a music educator, but I need to say that our state and national government are making it next to impossible to assess properly. I won't go into the reasons why assessment has become a source of frustration, resentment and contention amongst teachers, administrators and parents…What I need to say in relation to Eli and parenthood, is that I am saddened by the conditions I work in now. I don't feel like I believe in the system I work in anymore. The children, my students, continue to be my inspiration and the source of strength that gets me out of bed and to work each day. But, so much about the work I'm forced to do now…Where my energy and time and focus has to go to meet the demands of the profession, is disheartening. I wonder if it will change before Eli goes to school. I hope so. I hope it gets better sooner. For all of our children…
After work, I went on a rare shopping trip and purchased picture frames for both Jamie's and my mom, my grandma and our sisters. We ordered Eli's referral picture for the frames and coupled them with flowers for Mother's Day gifts. Also, we finally received our psychological evaluation and reviewed it. We found a few typos that the psychologist can correct (Columbia is in the United States, but Colombia is the country Eli was born in), but otherwise, it appears that we are fit to be Eli's parents!

Saturday, May 10th, 2014
Saturday we traveled back to Olean, NY, for our niece, Lydia's 5th birthday party. It was another beautiful day and we really enjoyed some time with family, including my 87 year old grandparents. After the party, Jamie and I ran 7 miles on the Olean bike path and talked about Eli the whole time! We can't wait to take him out in a jogging stroller with us. There are so many beautiful paths to run and we really enjoy the time outside.
Back at my mom's house ("Oma" to her grandkids), we started piecing together Eli's crib quilt. My mom had ordered a stack of neutral cottons for me, earlier this year, and now I was anxious to get started. This nursery is going to have to come together fast! Jamie cut strips of fabric with my mom, and I pieced them together on the sewing machine. Once the blanket is all pieced, it will be hand quilted by my mom and my grandma will add some touches of hand-embroidery. That little boy will be wrapped up in the love of three generations! I love that I can sew with my mom and grandma. I know I am so blessed to have them both in our lives.

Mother's Day, May 11th, 2014
My first Mother's Day! I feel so blessed to be Eli's mama! I've waited so long for this little one to come into our lives and knowing he is here, in our world, now, is such an amazing gift. We woke up in Eldred and Jamie made us all breakfast while mom and I finished piecing the quilt top together. My mom and sister spoiled me with Mother's Day gifts and then, later, my grandma and grandpa stopped by to visit. Then, we were off to Hamburg to meet up with the Holden crew for dinner. It was a festive meal! In order to help us free up some time to work on the nursery, Jamie's family had offered to celebrate Mother's Day and his birthday (May 18th) together. So, it was quite the party! Gifts were plentiful, we got to play with our nephews, Ryan and Callan, and there was even a birthday cake for dessert! Both of our families are just thrilled to be welcoming Eli and they made us feel so loved and supported today. It was the perfect ending to our whirlwind week- a reminder of what matters most. The gift of family.