Wednesday, October 3, 2012
The Gift
A year ago today, I took the day off from work and spent my 36th birthday calling adoption agencies, setting up appointments, and doing research. Today, on my 37th birthday, I am happy and peaceful knowing that I will be a mom by the time I am 40. This peace of mind is the best gift I could ask for. The past year has been exciting, preparing our documents and starting the adoption process. Now, we get to rest for a while. Our paperwork is in Colombia, there is nothing more we can do or should do, other than wait in hope and joy. And that is where I am tonight. I am joyful and so grateful, for my life rich with family and friends, for my husband who makes my every day sweet with his love, humor, and friendship, for my cozy home, work with children, and all the little luxuries of a comfortable life. Waiting could be so much worse. I know where we are headed and I am enjoying the journey. This child will come into such love. I am no longer anxious about the how and when. It will be. The gift is peace. And that is enough.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Esperando
I started this entry in March and finally finished tonight, August 11th, 2012. My apologies for the abundance of details:
Spring was a blur of activity...all goodness, but such an abundance of events, meetings, and paperwork that I rarely had time to acknowledge what was past and finished before I was immersed in the next round of busy-ness! Along the way, I kept thinking that I needed to take the time to sit down and document the process and reflect on all that was happening, but in the rare moments when I did pause, I found my self closing my eyes and breathing deep. Too much of a good thing is still too much. This is what I've come to realize: Although my life is filled with so many people and things I care about, I need unscheduled time to fully appreciate and absorb the love and joy in living. One of the greatest gifts I received these past few months came in the form of a book. One of my blog readers, and a new friend, had the wisdom to read between the lines and sent me a book called "1000 Gifts." It is a book about gratitude and learning to see the beauty and everyday miracle in the midst of our imperfect, messy, hectic lives. The book has been such a wonderful reminder, to stop and notice- stop and breathe, stop and say "thank you."
Spring was a blur of activity...all goodness, but such an abundance of events, meetings, and paperwork that I rarely had time to acknowledge what was past and finished before I was immersed in the next round of busy-ness! Along the way, I kept thinking that I needed to take the time to sit down and document the process and reflect on all that was happening, but in the rare moments when I did pause, I found my self closing my eyes and breathing deep. Too much of a good thing is still too much. This is what I've come to realize: Although my life is filled with so many people and things I care about, I need unscheduled time to fully appreciate and absorb the love and joy in living. One of the greatest gifts I received these past few months came in the form of a book. One of my blog readers, and a new friend, had the wisdom to read between the lines and sent me a book called "1000 Gifts." It is a book about gratitude and learning to see the beauty and everyday miracle in the midst of our imperfect, messy, hectic lives. The book has been such a wonderful reminder, to stop and notice- stop and breathe, stop and say "thank you."
Since my last blog, we attended our first Families of FANA annual meeting and dinner and met so many warm, friendly people who have adopted their children through FANA or, like us, are waiting to become a family. We also had our home study with a wonderful social worker who set us at ease and made the whole process easy and enjoyable. We even managed to survive the financial assessment, despite my considerable anxiety about it.
The actual home study visit was quite casual. Sue, our social worker, interviewed us together and asked us many questions about our experiences growing up, our relationship, the children in our lives, our jobs, our families...She had such a gentle manner, it felt like we were just chatting with a new friend. Sue was at our house for over three hours, talking with us. The scrubbing and scouring our home had endured for three days prior was completely unnecessary, but we really appreciated having a clean house in the days following the home study! I was preparing myself for a full inspection, but Sue just wanted to see the layout of our home. She walked through, briefly, at the end of her visit, chatting with us about the neighborhood, wall colors, our decorating style...It was actually kind of fun sharing our life like that!
Soon after that visit, we met with Jerri, the leader of our WNY Families of FANA group, and went over the next several rounds of paperwork that were required. And...that's when the crazy ensued!
So many have talked to us with trepidation about the paperwork, the waiting, the frustration of red tape...My philosophy has been to not look too far ahead, avoid "predicting" or trying to guess time lines, and just focus on the current task before us, thanking God for the NOW blessings as we live in hope for someday. But, I live this philosophy imperfectly. The paperwork is daunting. There are so many stages each document has to go through. Keeping track of each application and certificate, it's place in the process, and where it needs to go next definitely put my list making skills to work! Birth certificates and the marriage certificate had to be reissued by the county clerk's office that initially issued the document. So, for us, I had to gather documents from Erie County and Cattaraugus County in New York State, and Henrico County in Richmond, Virginia (my birthplace). After these new notarized reissues were sent to me, I had to send each one back out to their respective county clerks so they could sign off that the notary that had initially signed the document was legitimate. After each certificate came back to me the second time, now notarized and certified by the county, I sent each out a third time to the state department for an "apostille" stamp which shows that the state recognizes the legitimacy of the registrar who recognized the legitimacy of the initial notary! Are you ready to scream trying to keep up with this?!!! But, it was all right. We did it. One step at a time...
But, there have been a few stumbles along the path. Fortunately, we've been able to maintain a sense of humor as the laughable series of mishaps has unrolled. First, there was our psychological evaluation which came back glowing but named us Mr. and Mrs. Todoro on the second page and misspelled "Colombia" throughout the document. As we waited for that to get amended, we filed for I-800A approval only to get pink slipped because our home study wasn't detailed enough in the section that described our pre-adoption training, and we had sent a church issued copy of our marriage certificate rather than the county issued certificate. The social worker updated the home study and we re-submitted with the correct certificate and prayed they would accept the updated application. We have gathered all of our documents for the final dossier that will be sent to the Colombian government. The last missing piece is this I-800A approval code. Finally, last week, we received the long awaited approval notice in the mail! I opened it with great joy and relief and read out loud to Jamie, "...you have been approved to adopt a child from...P. R. China..." Wait. What? We aren't adopting from China. Yes, this was worse than misspelling Colombia. They had the wrong country! Another phone call to someone far away in a government agency office and we were back to the waiting game.
And while we were waiting for certificates to come back from various agencies, we worked on securing other necessary documents: a psychological evaluation (are we emotionally and mentally healthy?), medical letters (are we physically healthy?), FBI clearance (have we been previously convicted of any crimes?), adoption training completion certificates (10 hours of online training in dealing with the issues of adoptive families), employment letters (do we have a secure source of income?), and finally, the infamous "I-800A" or pre-approval for the visa that will eventually bring our child home. As a teacher in a high needs school, I often pause to wonder how different the world would be if all perspective parents had to endure such scrutiny. And yet, we understand the gravity of our request for a child. It is not to be taken lightly. We realize that we will not "save" this child. There are a line of hopeful adoptive parents waiting, should we fail to meet expectations. Rather, we've come to understand that the hope of this child is saving us. We are not giving the gift, but receiving it. So, we try not to complain, too much, as we jump through the hoops.
May 8th, 2012 brought a traumatic event for all of us in FANA- the passing of Mercedes, the Colombian founder of FANA. As I have written previously, Mercedes was a remarkable woman and we had been so looking forward to meeting her at this summer's annual golf tournament and fundraiser. Her passing was a great loss for the entire community and we celebrated her life through tears of gratitude at a crowded memorial service at Father Baker's Basilica in Lackawanna, NY. Hundreds of our Western New York Colombian children lined the steps of the alter, flowers in hand, to honor Mercedes and her commitment to them- her children, the children of FANA. It was such a moving experience. I only wish we could have met her once, just to look into her eyes and say "thank you." Her passion, her life's work, was to unite children and parents in the creation of families, to make magic, beauty and meaning out of what could have been despair and loss. She is the reason we, too, will be a family. And, although I will never meet Mercedes, I am ever aware of her role in our adoption story. The memorial service concluded with a breakfast at which it was announced that the Krulls, a couple who had waited over two years, were being offered a beautiful baby girl! They are currently down in Colombia with their new daughter, April, finishing up the adoption process.
June and July brought our first round of FANA fundraising events. This was our chance to see what the group was really about and how they work, long after they become families, to ensure the future of FANA in Bogota' and her in Western New York. But, don't let me mislead you. While the men and women of WNY's Families of FANA have the noblest of intents, they also know how to party! This is a sociable group of fun-loving, wine drinking, down to earth human beings who live to love and love to live. After the general membership meeting, we were invited to a very silly and surprisingly enjoyable "I ain't got no baby" shower, for all of the waiting couples. The FANA board recognized how many baby showers each of the waiting couples has had to attend over the years, always wondering if we were ever going to get a turn...This was their way of saying, "you WILL have your turn" and "we're going to start celebrating right now!" Each waiting couple has a "buddy couple" assigned to them- a couple who has already adopted and guides us through the process offering friendship, support and information as needed. Our "buddies" are Keri and Chuck. They are warm, wonderful people who open their home and their hearts to us again and again. The buddy couples attended the shower with us and brought us a few gifts. Some for now- a bottle of wine with the message "enjoy it now, while you still can!" and some for later- a beautiful baby blanket and a child's book about the adoption journey. We played some silly games, ate fantastic food, enjoyed some beverages, and laughed A LOT!
Next up, in mid-July, was the golf tournament, our biggest annual fundraiser for FANA, and a two week string of events! First, we attended a bag stuffing party where we helped fill the goody bags of over 200 golfers with a huge assortment of donated gifts and then lingered at Keri and Chuck's for another three hours of socializing! That week, I also went with several of the mom's and waiting mom's for an afternoon of manicures and pedicures before the golf tournament events. The next night was a cocktail party where we met Elena Martinez, Mercedes' daughter and the new director of FANA in Bogota'. Elena, as well as her father, husband and her two daughters all attended the week's festivities, mingling with the American families, and visibly enjoying themselves. Elena is warm and kind and beautiful in the way that glows from within. I loved watching her interact with her children and witnessing the love she obviously learned from her own mother.
The next event was the family picnic. Over 400 guests attended, with proceeds benefitting the orphanage in Bogota'. This event is kid-friendly with bounce houses, face painting, dancing, a rock climbing wall, theme tray auction, and a big picnic-like spread of food. Jamie and I volunteered that day, running the craft table and putting temporary tattoos on children of all ages! It was a fun day. We met so many adopted children and their parents, got to hang out with some new friends who are also in the adoption process, and...we witnessed our first referral. Elena and her daughters presented a couple from Pennsylvania, who had already adopted their son from FANA two years ago, with a large picture of their new daughter. It was very touching to see their joy and excitement.
The following day was the golf tournament. Jamie and I had already enrolled in a graduate course at UB, so we weren't able to be around to help out with the daytime activities. However, we contributed by attending the golf tournament dinner and silent auction that evening. We were joined by all four of our parents, Jamie's sister, Kelly, and her husband Mike, my childhood best friend, Erin, and our close friends, Cindy and Al Ripley. It was a very special evening for us, sharing an elegant event with family and friends, introducing them to our FANA friends, and showing our support for the group that will facilitate our adoption. And, remarkably, this event, too, ended with a referral! Allen and Clare are a young couple who we have met several times at various events. They've given so much of their time and energy to supporting FANA as they have waited to become parents. They found out that night, with all of us as witnesses, that they were about to fly to Colombia to meet their new five month old daughter. Clare saw me at the end of the evening and gave me a huge hug as she gasped, "Heather, it is so worth the wait. Believe me." And I do believe her. And despite small frustrations, I am so happy to be among the waiting.
So, this is where we are. Today we received our updated I-800A approval to adopt a child from Colombia. Tomorrow we will write a letter to Elena and the board of FANA explaining why we chose adoption from Colombia and why we want to be parents. We will choose 8-10 photographs to send along with the letter that will portray us as a couple, our home, the room the child will sleep in, our back yard...and then we will submit our documents to Baker Victory for translation into Spanish and forwarding to the Colombian government. I will try to keep everyone updated more frequently so my future blogs aren't so long and dense. It has been a wonderfully reflective experience to sit here with Jamie tonight, over a glass of wine, recalling all the details of the past few months' events. It has made us realize, again, how important it is to both of us that we record this journey. In the rush of action, we sometimes forget to stop and feel the miracle of all of it. Writing it down, sharing it with you, makes it real- makes us remember- this is more than paperwork. This is our birth plan. This is our pregnancy. We are expecting. So we wait.
So many have talked to us with trepidation about the paperwork, the waiting, the frustration of red tape...My philosophy has been to not look too far ahead, avoid "predicting" or trying to guess time lines, and just focus on the current task before us, thanking God for the NOW blessings as we live in hope for someday. But, I live this philosophy imperfectly. The paperwork is daunting. There are so many stages each document has to go through. Keeping track of each application and certificate, it's place in the process, and where it needs to go next definitely put my list making skills to work! Birth certificates and the marriage certificate had to be reissued by the county clerk's office that initially issued the document. So, for us, I had to gather documents from Erie County and Cattaraugus County in New York State, and Henrico County in Richmond, Virginia (my birthplace). After these new notarized reissues were sent to me, I had to send each one back out to their respective county clerks so they could sign off that the notary that had initially signed the document was legitimate. After each certificate came back to me the second time, now notarized and certified by the county, I sent each out a third time to the state department for an "apostille" stamp which shows that the state recognizes the legitimacy of the registrar who recognized the legitimacy of the initial notary! Are you ready to scream trying to keep up with this?!!! But, it was all right. We did it. One step at a time...
But, there have been a few stumbles along the path. Fortunately, we've been able to maintain a sense of humor as the laughable series of mishaps has unrolled. First, there was our psychological evaluation which came back glowing but named us Mr. and Mrs. Todoro on the second page and misspelled "Colombia" throughout the document. As we waited for that to get amended, we filed for I-800A approval only to get pink slipped because our home study wasn't detailed enough in the section that described our pre-adoption training, and we had sent a church issued copy of our marriage certificate rather than the county issued certificate. The social worker updated the home study and we re-submitted with the correct certificate and prayed they would accept the updated application. We have gathered all of our documents for the final dossier that will be sent to the Colombian government. The last missing piece is this I-800A approval code. Finally, last week, we received the long awaited approval notice in the mail! I opened it with great joy and relief and read out loud to Jamie, "...you have been approved to adopt a child from...P. R. China..." Wait. What? We aren't adopting from China. Yes, this was worse than misspelling Colombia. They had the wrong country! Another phone call to someone far away in a government agency office and we were back to the waiting game.
And while we were waiting for certificates to come back from various agencies, we worked on securing other necessary documents: a psychological evaluation (are we emotionally and mentally healthy?), medical letters (are we physically healthy?), FBI clearance (have we been previously convicted of any crimes?), adoption training completion certificates (10 hours of online training in dealing with the issues of adoptive families), employment letters (do we have a secure source of income?), and finally, the infamous "I-800A" or pre-approval for the visa that will eventually bring our child home. As a teacher in a high needs school, I often pause to wonder how different the world would be if all perspective parents had to endure such scrutiny. And yet, we understand the gravity of our request for a child. It is not to be taken lightly. We realize that we will not "save" this child. There are a line of hopeful adoptive parents waiting, should we fail to meet expectations. Rather, we've come to understand that the hope of this child is saving us. We are not giving the gift, but receiving it. So, we try not to complain, too much, as we jump through the hoops.
May 8th, 2012 brought a traumatic event for all of us in FANA- the passing of Mercedes, the Colombian founder of FANA. As I have written previously, Mercedes was a remarkable woman and we had been so looking forward to meeting her at this summer's annual golf tournament and fundraiser. Her passing was a great loss for the entire community and we celebrated her life through tears of gratitude at a crowded memorial service at Father Baker's Basilica in Lackawanna, NY. Hundreds of our Western New York Colombian children lined the steps of the alter, flowers in hand, to honor Mercedes and her commitment to them- her children, the children of FANA. It was such a moving experience. I only wish we could have met her once, just to look into her eyes and say "thank you." Her passion, her life's work, was to unite children and parents in the creation of families, to make magic, beauty and meaning out of what could have been despair and loss. She is the reason we, too, will be a family. And, although I will never meet Mercedes, I am ever aware of her role in our adoption story. The memorial service concluded with a breakfast at which it was announced that the Krulls, a couple who had waited over two years, were being offered a beautiful baby girl! They are currently down in Colombia with their new daughter, April, finishing up the adoption process.
June and July brought our first round of FANA fundraising events. This was our chance to see what the group was really about and how they work, long after they become families, to ensure the future of FANA in Bogota' and her in Western New York. But, don't let me mislead you. While the men and women of WNY's Families of FANA have the noblest of intents, they also know how to party! This is a sociable group of fun-loving, wine drinking, down to earth human beings who live to love and love to live. After the general membership meeting, we were invited to a very silly and surprisingly enjoyable "I ain't got no baby" shower, for all of the waiting couples. The FANA board recognized how many baby showers each of the waiting couples has had to attend over the years, always wondering if we were ever going to get a turn...This was their way of saying, "you WILL have your turn" and "we're going to start celebrating right now!" Each waiting couple has a "buddy couple" assigned to them- a couple who has already adopted and guides us through the process offering friendship, support and information as needed. Our "buddies" are Keri and Chuck. They are warm, wonderful people who open their home and their hearts to us again and again. The buddy couples attended the shower with us and brought us a few gifts. Some for now- a bottle of wine with the message "enjoy it now, while you still can!" and some for later- a beautiful baby blanket and a child's book about the adoption journey. We played some silly games, ate fantastic food, enjoyed some beverages, and laughed A LOT!
Next up, in mid-July, was the golf tournament, our biggest annual fundraiser for FANA, and a two week string of events! First, we attended a bag stuffing party where we helped fill the goody bags of over 200 golfers with a huge assortment of donated gifts and then lingered at Keri and Chuck's for another three hours of socializing! That week, I also went with several of the mom's and waiting mom's for an afternoon of manicures and pedicures before the golf tournament events. The next night was a cocktail party where we met Elena Martinez, Mercedes' daughter and the new director of FANA in Bogota'. Elena, as well as her father, husband and her two daughters all attended the week's festivities, mingling with the American families, and visibly enjoying themselves. Elena is warm and kind and beautiful in the way that glows from within. I loved watching her interact with her children and witnessing the love she obviously learned from her own mother.
The next event was the family picnic. Over 400 guests attended, with proceeds benefitting the orphanage in Bogota'. This event is kid-friendly with bounce houses, face painting, dancing, a rock climbing wall, theme tray auction, and a big picnic-like spread of food. Jamie and I volunteered that day, running the craft table and putting temporary tattoos on children of all ages! It was a fun day. We met so many adopted children and their parents, got to hang out with some new friends who are also in the adoption process, and...we witnessed our first referral. Elena and her daughters presented a couple from Pennsylvania, who had already adopted their son from FANA two years ago, with a large picture of their new daughter. It was very touching to see their joy and excitement.
The following day was the golf tournament. Jamie and I had already enrolled in a graduate course at UB, so we weren't able to be around to help out with the daytime activities. However, we contributed by attending the golf tournament dinner and silent auction that evening. We were joined by all four of our parents, Jamie's sister, Kelly, and her husband Mike, my childhood best friend, Erin, and our close friends, Cindy and Al Ripley. It was a very special evening for us, sharing an elegant event with family and friends, introducing them to our FANA friends, and showing our support for the group that will facilitate our adoption. And, remarkably, this event, too, ended with a referral! Allen and Clare are a young couple who we have met several times at various events. They've given so much of their time and energy to supporting FANA as they have waited to become parents. They found out that night, with all of us as witnesses, that they were about to fly to Colombia to meet their new five month old daughter. Clare saw me at the end of the evening and gave me a huge hug as she gasped, "Heather, it is so worth the wait. Believe me." And I do believe her. And despite small frustrations, I am so happy to be among the waiting.
So, this is where we are. Today we received our updated I-800A approval to adopt a child from Colombia. Tomorrow we will write a letter to Elena and the board of FANA explaining why we chose adoption from Colombia and why we want to be parents. We will choose 8-10 photographs to send along with the letter that will portray us as a couple, our home, the room the child will sleep in, our back yard...and then we will submit our documents to Baker Victory for translation into Spanish and forwarding to the Colombian government. I will try to keep everyone updated more frequently so my future blogs aren't so long and dense. It has been a wonderfully reflective experience to sit here with Jamie tonight, over a glass of wine, recalling all the details of the past few months' events. It has made us realize, again, how important it is to both of us that we record this journey. In the rush of action, we sometimes forget to stop and feel the miracle of all of it. Writing it down, sharing it with you, makes it real- makes us remember- this is more than paperwork. This is our birth plan. This is our pregnancy. We are expecting. So we wait.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Everyday Miracles
Do you ever have one of those days where you wake up feeling teary and emotional and proceed to cry throughout the day? I am having one of those. These are not really tears of sadness, just tears of feeling. So much emotion... I think Jamie and I live such fast paced, full lives, that sometimes, when we slow down for a day, we find out we've been holding in all these emotions, unprocessed experiences, little joys and sadnesses that were brushed aside in the busyness...
So, here I am. After a few weeks of a hectic work schedule and over-commitment, I finally have a day off. Jamie left this morning to travel to Albany with our county music educator's association. He will be lobbying to keep music programs in our schools- important work that makes me proud. And, while he's gone, I have some quiet time to myself. I made some breakfast this morning and teared up thinking about my friends and family. I get so busy with work that I sometimes lose touch with the people who mean so much to me. This weekend, amidst a full Saturday All County Chorus rehearsal and an APPR meeting, I was able to talk with my sister, my mom, and my mother-in-law on the phone. Jamie and I also were able to connect with my aunt and uncle who surprised us with a visit to Buffalo to do some shopping. And last night, we visited with some dear friends whose sons are our Godsons. All these relationships... the love I share with these people... Well, it "fills my cup," so to speak. So, I was making breakfast, thinking about all these connections, and of course, crying! I brought breakfast into the living room, turned on the TV and found some televised church sermon with a trio singing a hymn, and the tears started again! That's when I decided to give in. I did the next worse thing to watching a Hallmark movie. I grabbed a box of kleenex, turned the station to country music videos and sat on the couch with my coffee and tears for the next hour or so! I guess sometimes you just need to cry?!!
The thing is, I have been meaning to blog for about two weeks. Our adoption process is so slow and weeks or even months will go by where there isn't really any action to report. But, every day, there are shifts in me...
Conversations that matter, support from a friend, another piece of paperwork completed, a story like ours, an appointment made, or a letter that brings a small but significant miracle our way. Every day miracles are what keep us going, and our latest came in the form of a letter from Jamie's Uncle Jack. This is how it happened.
Back in January, we made our first large payment to Baker Victory Services. I know some people feel that sharing money details is too personal, and not necessary. But, I am surprised by how many people have no idea that the adoption process is expensive. We have found that our friends and family feel a little awkward asking, but they are curious about the costs involved. I've also recently gained a few blog followers who are looking into adoption, themselves. So, for that reason, I've decided to be forthcoming about this and disclose our expenses as they relate to my story telling.
When we started this journey, money was our biggest obstacle. We have not always been all that financially "responsible." We've always had enough money to pay our bills, and we have certainly enjoyed many luxuries in our life: traveling, going out with friends, enjoying food and wine, the occasional massage or pedicure, seeing Broadway shows, concerts, etc. However, we never had any significant savings, and over the years we have accrued a somewhat embarrassing amount of debt. When we started looking into adoption, we realized that we had to change our financial life. Last April (2011), I was introduced to Dave Ramsey's "Total Money Makeover" in the form of a book my school secretary recommended. I began my "debt snowball" that month and am making tremendous progress. However, the adoption expenses threw a serious wrench in my debt reduction plan. The first payment was $4075.
My mom loaned us the money so that we could get started right away. In the meantime, I began filling out paperwork to borrow from my 403B account for our next payment which will be due in late March or early April, after our home study. Borrowing from your 403B account is a great option, because you pay yourself back, with 6% interest. There is no fee if you make your quarterly payments on time, and all of the payments go directly back into your own account. So, I felt really good about this option. We were able to borrow $4500 and it has been sitting in my savings account, waiting to meet our next deadline. At this point, we believed the second payment was around $4,300, so we were all set, until we received our placement. The third payment is not due until you receive your placement and prepare to travel to Colombia. At that time, we will be expected to make a $10, 000 "donation" to FANA, cover our travel costs, accommodations, meals, etc. and pick up the remaining lawyer fees, paperwork costs etc. involved in bringing our child home. Because our placement won't happen for two to three years, we feel confident we will be able to improve our financial picture and cover these costs. But, honestly, these initial two payments have been very stressful. It feels like money we just don't have. Still, we have faith that together we will figure it out. You can not put a price tag on a child or the experience of being parents. People spend $20,000-$30,000 on a new car. We weren't going to let the cost deter us.
So, the next bump in the road came after our informational meeting in February. We received an updated list of expenses and found out we were $1500 short for our next payment. We didn't mention it to anyone, figuring we would scale back to minimum payments on our debts, put as much cash in savings as we could, and charge the remainder to a credit card. I knew we could do it, but it felt like a step backward. I haven't used a credit card in almost a year... But, as much as we want to get out of debt, we both agreed that our adoption process was the priority. This is where Uncle Jack enters the story.
Jack is Cheryl's (Jamie's mom) brother. He has been an important part of Jamie's life since he was a child. Jack lives in Reno and does not have children, but has had a dearly loved dog, Lily, for the past sixteen years.
We all know how those furry little companions become such a big piece of our lives. So, when Lily passed away recently, Jack was heartbroken. He wanted to find a way to honor the love he experienced while Lily was in his life. Instead of donating to the SPCA, or another charity, he decided to donate to our "cause." As he was saying goodbye to a relationship that had allowed him to care for, nurture, and share his life with another being, we were preparing to bring a new experience of love into our lives. Years ago, Jack and his partner, Fred, had purchased some gold coins. They had thought they might be worth something someday, and had joked with Jamie and his cousins that the coins might turn out to be their "inheritance!" Jack decided he would sell one of the coins to make a "dedication" to Lily and donate the profits to our adoption process.
He had no idea what a coin was worth, and we did not share any of our financial details with him. In fact, this blog will probably be the first time Jamie's family hears all these details!
Two weeks ago, we received a letter in the mail with a check for exactly $1,500. I was speechless. I found my notes from our adoption budget, made several weeks prior, and showed Jamie the number $1500 written and circled on my note pad. It was precisely the amount we needed. How could Jack have known? The timing of this gift was perfect. Little everyday miracles like this make me believe there is a God whose ability to love us is far beyond our understanding.
Another reason for tears...But, I am so grateful for these tears, grateful to Uncle Jack for his tremendous gift, and especially grateful for all I am learning and experiencing along this path to parenthood. I am constantly reminded of my blessings. There is so much goodness; so much love. All I need to do is slow down long enough to take it all in.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
The First Step
"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." Martin Luther King, Jr.
It was a good week. It was a step forward. Now we will wait, once more, for the next foot hold. Our home study, in March, will bring us another slew of paperwork and busy-ness. Until then, we will hold on to each other and try to enjoy our present before it becomes our past. The luxury of a long wait is that it affords you time to plan and prepare. We have so many small goals set along the way for ourselves; I have to believe that the time will pass quickly and I will be thankful and certain that it couldn't have been any other way.
We finally took our official first step on Saturday and mailed in our initial payment and first round of paperwork to Baker Victory Services. What a whirlwind week! The previous Sunday we had been welcomed into the Estes home. This FANA family greeted us with such warmth and unguarded candor. Their two children are just precious and we enjoyed playing with them as much as we enjoyed the adult conversation! The Estes were so easy to talk to. They immediately set us at ease. I learned that the wait time for adopting an infant from Colombia has increased significantly over the past few years, and that FANA is doing less adoptions a year than they used to. For this reason, they are taking on fewer new families. But, the good news is that every family that has entered the program has received a child. We left the Estes house feeling encouraged and excited to move forward with our own adoption.
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| Jamie and the Estes Family |
That Tuesday we met with the director of the program and another prospective new family. We were able to get all of our questions answered about the process, the expenses, the wait time, travel time, etc. I also feel that we walked out with a much better understanding of FANA's mission and expectations from member families. This is not just an organization that facilitates Colombian adoptions. It is a group of families that have made a lifetime commitment to supporting their children's cultural connection, providing support and resources for families who adopt and children who are adopted from FANA, and fundraising to maintain FANA in Colombia and allow the care of older children who are never adopted. Being a FANA family has so many benefits, but it is also a responsibility. The expectation is that your relationship with the organization does not end after your adoption, but instead, it begins with your adoption.
Membership requires a $100 donation a year and a commitment to fundraise $250.00 a year. Because FANA is linked to United Way, donations are tax-deductible and all of the money goes directly to the children in Bogota. The WNY chapter of Families of FANA (there are others around the world) organizes a few events a year for families, including a Halloween party, a holiday gathering, and a Spanish Summer Camp for kids. The major fundraising event each year is a golf tournament which involves a picnic, theme tray auction, and a whole week of festivities in July. Mercedes, the founder of FANA, visits the Buffalo area every year to attend the golf tournament.
While exciting, all of this information is a lot to process! The infertility journey is a private path of pain and frustration. You try not to have expectations, and there are no guarantees. The FANA path to parenthood stands in such sharp contrast to all we've experienced thus far. It is transparent, public, celebratory, and proud. It is not the only way to adopt, and it is very different from many other international adoption experiences. Through FANA, we will not only adopt a child, but an extended family that will help us to honor our child's story: who she (or he!) is and where she comes from.
After leaving the Tuesday night meeting, we talked about having this kind of responsibility to a larger group and decided that it appealed to us. We understand why it isn't for everyone, but we see it as an opportunity. This adoption experience will open the door to a lifetime of giving and receiving. It is a very beautiful thing. And...
Scary. As all change is. After we gave the verbal "go ahead" and committed to FANA, I experienced some intense anxiety. I decided to take my time with it. I didn't shut it out, but instead really sat with the feeling and explored it. This is what I found. All of the alternatives left me feeling the same way. I thought about adopting from another country with no support group, no expectations for involvement after coming home...and it wasn't what I wanted. I thought about adopting domestically and taking a baby home from the hospital, a few days after he or she was born. This idea didn't bring me comfort either. Even the thought of getting pregnant at this point was making my stomach churn. I was just anxious. It had nothing to do with FANA being the right or wrong choice. It had to do with making a choice. That's when I realized what a big deal this is.
I have a friend who married an older man and decided, because of his age, to try to conceive almost immediately after the wedding. She was so excited to get pregnant, but when she did...she cried. She was scared. And why shouldn't we be a little nervous when we find ourselves headed down an unknown road? We know that joy is waiting for us at the end, but the bumps in the road can't be predicted and there is no backing your way out of a pregnancy! Similarly, I have felt that once I make the financial commitment (which is substantial for us) to this process, I can't look back. So it is a major decision. The decision to become a parent, regardless of how it happens, is one that will change your life forever. When that child arrives, nothing will ever be the same again.
We are both ready to embrace that change. We are ready to be parents. Once I allowed myself to feel the fear and I acknowledged the gravity of the first step, I felt a peace come over me. Saturday morning, as I drove our packet of paperwork and that first big check to the post office, I was smiling. I was brave.
That night, we visited another FANA family's home for cocktails and a wonderful evening of laughter and shared stories. The Marazzo's will most likely be frequent characters in my blogs, as they have offered to be our "buddy family" throughout our adoption process. They have two handsome young sons and a beautiful home, not far from our own. We had such a nice time hanging out with them and another waiting couple, The Todoros, that is buddied up with them. These generous people, just like the Estes, make this whole thing real for us. Their willingness to share their experiences, their family and their homes with us has been such a blessing. Watching these couples with their children fills me with hope, again, for the family we will become.
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| The Todoros with their Colombian Cabbage Patch Kid- A silly gift from buddy, Kerri |
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| Playing with Mateo, Keri's older son |
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| Keri and Charlie |
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Hurry Up and Wait...
So, after the meeting we attended at Baker Victory in November, we immediately submitted a pre-application for adoption, online. In fact, we filled it out the same night as the information session. We were just so elated to finally have a plan. We tried to be patient, even while we checked our e-mail hourly, while we waited to find out what the next step was. But after a week with no response, we started to feel a little deflated. Two weeks later and we were the ones sending e-mails asking what our next step was, when we could meet with someone for more details, and what the timeline looked like. Finally, by the end of November, we had a pile of paperwork that we needed to fill out, and an outline of costs involved. I couldn't wait to get started. I organized all the papers into piles sorted by priority, decorated them with brightly colored paperclips and post it notes, put everything into a new folio I could carry from room to room in the house...I felt so empowered! We spent hours retracing all of our prior addresses, answering questions about our finances, setting up fingerprinting appointments, physicals...The work felt urgent and inspired. We were on a mission. In two weeks we had almost everything done and notarized. I even managed to work out our substantial down payment via a loan from my 403B and some help from my encouraging and enthusiastic mother. The money was in the bank, the checks were in the folio, my lawyer-brother-in-law notarized our documents and we were ready to go. We even scheduled our home study for over our Christmas break.
Part of our rush had been due to the age limit of 38 on Colombian infant adoptions. Jamie is currently 38 and will turn 39 in May. We were very concerned about getting everything submitted in time, before he passed the age limit. At the initial information meeting we had been told that it probably wouldn't be an issue if we started the process right away and had the wheels in motion while Jamie was still 38. So, when we finished our paperwork and then were told that no one from the agency could meet with us until January- I was scared and frustrated. We couldn't do the home study until we submitted the paperwork and non-refundable down payment. And, we didn't feel comfortable handing over that substantial check until we met with someone who could answer all of our questions. Fortunately, the head of the program was kind enough to call Colombia for us and get the details on the age limit. She assured us that waiting until after Christmas wouldn't hurt us at all. Because I am only 36, the Colombian government would be more lenient, and we could still get our home study done and everything submitted to them before May. So, we rescheduled the home study for March, set up an appointment with Baker Victory in January and rushed into the blur of the holiday season, hoping it would be one of our last without children.
After the commotion of Christmas passed, we were left with a quiet January and no new news. It was a time of waiting. I know that there is much more waiting to come, so I have been trying to be at peace with it. We will have a longer period of "expecting" than parents who conceive, but I believe that even this- the extended wait and practice in patience- is a gift. I can't help but feel grateful and so joyful about having something to wait for.
This week holds three small steps forward:
Tomorrow, we are meeting one of the "families of FANA." A couple who adopted their two children from FANA are welcoming us into their home to meet their children and share their experience. I am in tears just writing this. The kindness and generosity of these prior "strangers" moves me. They will give us a window into their lives and their family, just to provide us a little comfort, and a glimpse at our own future family. I am so grateful.
Tuesday, we will meet with the head of the FANA/Baker Victory program and another family who will be on the same adoption schedule as us. We will finally get those questions answered and be able to turn in that paperwork and get these wheels in motion.
Finally, next Saturday, another FANA family will welcome us into their home for cocktails and the beginning of a very important connection. This family will be our "buddy family" throughout our adoption process. As experienced FANA parents (they've adopted two children through the program), they will help us navigate and endure the long road ahead of us. Again, I feel so blessed to have connected with these people (through a mutual friend) who give so freely. What a gift they are giving us.
So, that's where we are. I should have much more to write after this week. Keep us in your prayers and know that we are incredibly grateful for all of the love and support we are receiving.
Part of our rush had been due to the age limit of 38 on Colombian infant adoptions. Jamie is currently 38 and will turn 39 in May. We were very concerned about getting everything submitted in time, before he passed the age limit. At the initial information meeting we had been told that it probably wouldn't be an issue if we started the process right away and had the wheels in motion while Jamie was still 38. So, when we finished our paperwork and then were told that no one from the agency could meet with us until January- I was scared and frustrated. We couldn't do the home study until we submitted the paperwork and non-refundable down payment. And, we didn't feel comfortable handing over that substantial check until we met with someone who could answer all of our questions. Fortunately, the head of the program was kind enough to call Colombia for us and get the details on the age limit. She assured us that waiting until after Christmas wouldn't hurt us at all. Because I am only 36, the Colombian government would be more lenient, and we could still get our home study done and everything submitted to them before May. So, we rescheduled the home study for March, set up an appointment with Baker Victory in January and rushed into the blur of the holiday season, hoping it would be one of our last without children.
After the commotion of Christmas passed, we were left with a quiet January and no new news. It was a time of waiting. I know that there is much more waiting to come, so I have been trying to be at peace with it. We will have a longer period of "expecting" than parents who conceive, but I believe that even this- the extended wait and practice in patience- is a gift. I can't help but feel grateful and so joyful about having something to wait for.
This week holds three small steps forward:
Tomorrow, we are meeting one of the "families of FANA." A couple who adopted their two children from FANA are welcoming us into their home to meet their children and share their experience. I am in tears just writing this. The kindness and generosity of these prior "strangers" moves me. They will give us a window into their lives and their family, just to provide us a little comfort, and a glimpse at our own future family. I am so grateful.
Tuesday, we will meet with the head of the FANA/Baker Victory program and another family who will be on the same adoption schedule as us. We will finally get those questions answered and be able to turn in that paperwork and get these wheels in motion.
Finally, next Saturday, another FANA family will welcome us into their home for cocktails and the beginning of a very important connection. This family will be our "buddy family" throughout our adoption process. As experienced FANA parents (they've adopted two children through the program), they will help us navigate and endure the long road ahead of us. Again, I feel so blessed to have connected with these people (through a mutual friend) who give so freely. What a gift they are giving us.
So, that's where we are. I should have much more to write after this week. Keep us in your prayers and know that we are incredibly grateful for all of the love and support we are receiving.
Monday, January 2, 2012
The Magic of FANA
First of all, if you've visited this site before and already enjoyed one of my favorite Sara Groves songs "Might Be Hope," you can stop the music by clicking on the pause button at the bottom of the page! As a newbie blogger, it took me FOREVER last night to figure out how to put music on my page, but now the same song plays over and over again, unless you pause it! Oh, well...At least it is a good song!
So, writing again so immediately makes me feel a little silly, as if I have some inflated sense of self-importance. Yet, I think this is the purpose of a blog- to write. Yes? So, bear with me as I try to sort out what's worth sharing. I had a thought today: Perhaps, I am just journaling in public! I've always loved to write and I’ve never really found an outlet for sharing my writing. So, I guess this is exciting in that sense, too. I received so many supportive comments and I am so encouraged by all of you. Thank you.
One more housekeeping note, there seems to be a few kinks in the site (it is free, after all). The submit button doesn't always work for comments and e-mail addresses. Jamie found that just hitting return after writing his e-mail address was sufficient. Let me know if you can't get it to work and I will figure out a way to add you in from my end.
About Colombia...
The program at Baker Victory Services (BVS) is really special. First of all, BVS continues the legacy of Father Baker, a Buffalo native, hero, and eventual saint. Many of you Buffalonians are probably well aware of Father Baker's history in Buffalo. As a Pennsylvanian, myself, I am still reading up and learning about Baker's legacy. I found the following link to be very informative and inspiring.
Father Nelson Baker- The Apostle of Charity Needless to say, Jamie and I are proud to be somehow affiliated with this man and all that he contributed to our city.
Colombian adoptions at BVS involve a partnership with an agency in Bogota, the capital of Colombia, named FANA (a Spanish acronym for Foundation for the Assistance of Abandoned Children). FANA has such a beautiful history, as well. The agency was founded by a couple who also struggled with infertility. After adopting a child from Canada, because Colombian adoptions were so confounded with legal red tape, Mercedes Rosario Pineda de Martinez and her husband Arturo began taking Bogota's abandoned children into their own home. With the help of friends and family, they found homes for these children and adopted another daughter of their own, this time a Colombian child. The couple decided to dedicate their lives to making adoption easier in their country, for both the children who desperately needed homes and the couples, like them, who were anxious to become parents.
After running out of room in their own home, they rented a home for the children, moved again to a bigger house, and finally grew into a building next door to the house. All the while, Mercedes worked on establishing connections with government authorities who could help facilitate the adoption process and recognize the work she and her family were doing. Over the years, hundreds of volunteers all over the world contributed to the cause, including a group of Western New Yorkers who call themselves "Families of FANA." WNY's Families of FANA
In 1995, thanks to fundraising efforts from all over the world, FANA was able to move out of their crowded inner-city location and into a brand new two million dollar modern facility on three acres of land in the suburb of Suba. The Families of FANA website says that the facility, thanks to the funding of so many volunteer organizations, is now "fully owned by the children of FANA."
Today's FANA houses a modern medical facility that provides prenatal and delivery services to mothers in need, as well as an intensive care facility for new borns. FANA employs full-time physicians and medical personnel, as well. Mercedes, the founder, still runs the program and is responsible for "choosing families" for her many children.
The WNY Families of FANA group is comprised of over 350 families in this area who have adopted their children from FANA. They support each other and hopeful parents who will be traveling to Colombia, fundraise for the maintenance of the FANA facility in Colombia, and work to bring Colombian culture into the lives of the families who have FANA children. They organize cultural events, Spanish programs, and even return trips to Colombia. The families also fundraise to help local charities and children in need in the Buffalo area. This group has been together for twenty-two years and has a very strong and personal connection with FANA in Colombia. In fact, Mercedes Rosario Pineda de Martinez has frequently visited the group at their annual golf tournament and visits with the adoptive families and their children. One of my co-workers, who adopted her daughter from FANA several years ago, speaks of Mercedes with reverence. She sounds like an amazing woman.
It has been told to me that when it is time for a couple to be matched with a child, Mercedes reads your file and walks the nursery, looking at each of the tiny miracles. When she comes to the baby that "feels right," the match is made! Apparently, she has quite the talent for this matchmaking and the families speak of it with their eyes wide and bright. It is the stuff of folklore...A fairy tale ending.
This is the kind of magic I think I can believe in.
So, writing again so immediately makes me feel a little silly, as if I have some inflated sense of self-importance. Yet, I think this is the purpose of a blog- to write. Yes? So, bear with me as I try to sort out what's worth sharing. I had a thought today: Perhaps, I am just journaling in public! I've always loved to write and I’ve never really found an outlet for sharing my writing. So, I guess this is exciting in that sense, too. I received so many supportive comments and I am so encouraged by all of you. Thank you.
One more housekeeping note, there seems to be a few kinks in the site (it is free, after all). The submit button doesn't always work for comments and e-mail addresses. Jamie found that just hitting return after writing his e-mail address was sufficient. Let me know if you can't get it to work and I will figure out a way to add you in from my end.
About Colombia...
The program at Baker Victory Services (BVS) is really special. First of all, BVS continues the legacy of Father Baker, a Buffalo native, hero, and eventual saint. Many of you Buffalonians are probably well aware of Father Baker's history in Buffalo. As a Pennsylvanian, myself, I am still reading up and learning about Baker's legacy. I found the following link to be very informative and inspiring.
Father Nelson Baker- The Apostle of Charity Needless to say, Jamie and I are proud to be somehow affiliated with this man and all that he contributed to our city.
Colombian adoptions at BVS involve a partnership with an agency in Bogota, the capital of Colombia, named FANA (a Spanish acronym for Foundation for the Assistance of Abandoned Children). FANA has such a beautiful history, as well. The agency was founded by a couple who also struggled with infertility. After adopting a child from Canada, because Colombian adoptions were so confounded with legal red tape, Mercedes Rosario Pineda de Martinez and her husband Arturo began taking Bogota's abandoned children into their own home. With the help of friends and family, they found homes for these children and adopted another daughter of their own, this time a Colombian child. The couple decided to dedicate their lives to making adoption easier in their country, for both the children who desperately needed homes and the couples, like them, who were anxious to become parents.
After running out of room in their own home, they rented a home for the children, moved again to a bigger house, and finally grew into a building next door to the house. All the while, Mercedes worked on establishing connections with government authorities who could help facilitate the adoption process and recognize the work she and her family were doing. Over the years, hundreds of volunteers all over the world contributed to the cause, including a group of Western New Yorkers who call themselves "Families of FANA." WNY's Families of FANA
In 1995, thanks to fundraising efforts from all over the world, FANA was able to move out of their crowded inner-city location and into a brand new two million dollar modern facility on three acres of land in the suburb of Suba. The Families of FANA website says that the facility, thanks to the funding of so many volunteer organizations, is now "fully owned by the children of FANA."
Today's FANA houses a modern medical facility that provides prenatal and delivery services to mothers in need, as well as an intensive care facility for new borns. FANA employs full-time physicians and medical personnel, as well. Mercedes, the founder, still runs the program and is responsible for "choosing families" for her many children.
The WNY Families of FANA group is comprised of over 350 families in this area who have adopted their children from FANA. They support each other and hopeful parents who will be traveling to Colombia, fundraise for the maintenance of the FANA facility in Colombia, and work to bring Colombian culture into the lives of the families who have FANA children. They organize cultural events, Spanish programs, and even return trips to Colombia. The families also fundraise to help local charities and children in need in the Buffalo area. This group has been together for twenty-two years and has a very strong and personal connection with FANA in Colombia. In fact, Mercedes Rosario Pineda de Martinez has frequently visited the group at their annual golf tournament and visits with the adoptive families and their children. One of my co-workers, who adopted her daughter from FANA several years ago, speaks of Mercedes with reverence. She sounds like an amazing woman.
It has been told to me that when it is time for a couple to be matched with a child, Mercedes reads your file and walks the nursery, looking at each of the tiny miracles. When she comes to the baby that "feels right," the match is made! Apparently, she has quite the talent for this matchmaking and the families speak of it with their eyes wide and bright. It is the stuff of folklore...A fairy tale ending.
This is the kind of magic I think I can believe in.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
What a year for a New Year...
Hello, 2012! This is the year that Jamie and I will begin our adoption journey. It is not the year we will become parents, but we are at peace with that. Finally, after ten years of failed infertility treatments, a miscarriage and countless attempts to conceive (IUI, acupuncture, chiropractors, yoga, alternative healing, prayer, and yes...lots of "practice!"), we are going to do something that we are certain will result in parenthood- ADOPT!
We made the decision this autumn after going through another round of poking and prodding that resulted in no new information and no pregnancy. Our hearts were battered and tired. We have been together now for 15 years, married for 13, and we started talking about having children as soon as we began dating. We love children. We both teach elementary school music, so we are surrounded by kids every day, and as much as it sometimes breaks my heart, I think our students really helped sustain us during all those years of disappointment. We kept thinking...someday...But, we left that last appointment and didn't talk about any of it for a month. Then, in October, the week of my 36th birthday, we decided we were ready to take a different path.
I took a personal day on my birthday, October 3rd, and started making phone calls. I did an online search for "Buffalo adoption" and found five agencies that I was interested in. I sat on my back porch and dialed the numbers, feeling a slight tingling sensation spread over my body. I was scared. I was excited. I was....what was it? I was hopeful.
I gave my name and address to the secretaries and that was the end of the work for that first day. Soon the packets came in the mail with dates for information sessions. By this time, I had thought to connect with a friend of Jamie's and mine from college who adopted her two children. Her path to adoption was very similar to mine and she reassured me that adoption journey was, indeed, very promising. We made appointments and in November we attended sessions at three different agencies. The first two sessions were very similar. The leaders were nice, knowledgeable, and organized. However, there was something impersonal about the experiences. They were, after all, just general information sessions. We were also discouraged to find out that adopting an infant through foster care was more complicated and "messy" than we had naively imagined. The second agency did offer private infant adoptions, but they had only placed two infants in the last year and had a substantial waiting list. We had considered adopting an older child, but I woke up in the middle of the night soon after that discussion and blurted out, "Jamie- we need to have a baby." It was just so clear to me suddenly. I had waited and struggled for ten years to feel a tiny hand wrapped around my finger, to nuzzle a downy head, to stand above a crib and just watch the miracle of my child asleep. I wanted every minute I could get. I wanted a baby.
So, off we went to our third session at Baker Victory Services. It was a cold, dreary night and I was exhausted. I had a musical rehearsal after school, followed by parent teacher conferences. So, Jamie picked me up at school and we headed to South Buffalo, without dinner or much enthusiasm. We almost didn't go. But, this time was...different.
The room was bright and open, there was a sign in desk, four different women organizing things, a lawyer to talk about the legal aspects, a social worker to discuss the home study process...They had a large screen set up with a powerpoint. They even brought in families with their adopted children to tell us about their experiences! It was amazing. We had never even considered international adoption, mainly because I had assumed that we couldn't afford it, and we also wanted to try to help a local child. But, halfway through the Colombian presentation I was starting to get really excited. I looked at Jamie to gauge his reaction, fearing he wouldn't be on board with this sudden urge to change directions again. He met my eyes and whispered, "You know...we DO love to travel..." That was it. We were in. I can't really explain why it was Colombia or why we were able to just decide right then, without hesitation. It didn't hurt that the woman in charge of the Colombian program was warm, intelligent, passionate, and experienced. She adopted three children from Colombia, herself. We wanted someone like her guiding us through this new territory. And then there were the beautiful families we met. Their presence in that room made the idea real and tangible. We were going to be parents!
Whatever it was that convinced us, the feeling was mutual. We went home that night and filled out the pre-application online. We were both so joyful, for the first time in so many years. I remember being struck by the light shining through Jamie's eyes as we talked about it. Sadly enough, I almost didn't recognize it. He had spent so many years hurting, but there it was again...and it stayed. Over these past two months we have been joyful as we begin planning and filling out paperwork. We have a long road ahead of us and we know there are more frustrations and disappointments around the bend. The truth is, we haven't really even started yet. The paper work is filled out, but nothing could be submitted until the new year. Even so, the destination seems clearer than before. We can visualize our little family now. And thus, "The Heart of Hope" is named so to honor what was lost and is found again in the promise of a child...our child...at the end of this story.
We made the decision this autumn after going through another round of poking and prodding that resulted in no new information and no pregnancy. Our hearts were battered and tired. We have been together now for 15 years, married for 13, and we started talking about having children as soon as we began dating. We love children. We both teach elementary school music, so we are surrounded by kids every day, and as much as it sometimes breaks my heart, I think our students really helped sustain us during all those years of disappointment. We kept thinking...someday...But, we left that last appointment and didn't talk about any of it for a month. Then, in October, the week of my 36th birthday, we decided we were ready to take a different path.
I took a personal day on my birthday, October 3rd, and started making phone calls. I did an online search for "Buffalo adoption" and found five agencies that I was interested in. I sat on my back porch and dialed the numbers, feeling a slight tingling sensation spread over my body. I was scared. I was excited. I was....what was it? I was hopeful.
I gave my name and address to the secretaries and that was the end of the work for that first day. Soon the packets came in the mail with dates for information sessions. By this time, I had thought to connect with a friend of Jamie's and mine from college who adopted her two children. Her path to adoption was very similar to mine and she reassured me that adoption journey was, indeed, very promising. We made appointments and in November we attended sessions at three different agencies. The first two sessions were very similar. The leaders were nice, knowledgeable, and organized. However, there was something impersonal about the experiences. They were, after all, just general information sessions. We were also discouraged to find out that adopting an infant through foster care was more complicated and "messy" than we had naively imagined. The second agency did offer private infant adoptions, but they had only placed two infants in the last year and had a substantial waiting list. We had considered adopting an older child, but I woke up in the middle of the night soon after that discussion and blurted out, "Jamie- we need to have a baby." It was just so clear to me suddenly. I had waited and struggled for ten years to feel a tiny hand wrapped around my finger, to nuzzle a downy head, to stand above a crib and just watch the miracle of my child asleep. I wanted every minute I could get. I wanted a baby.
So, off we went to our third session at Baker Victory Services. It was a cold, dreary night and I was exhausted. I had a musical rehearsal after school, followed by parent teacher conferences. So, Jamie picked me up at school and we headed to South Buffalo, without dinner or much enthusiasm. We almost didn't go. But, this time was...different.
The room was bright and open, there was a sign in desk, four different women organizing things, a lawyer to talk about the legal aspects, a social worker to discuss the home study process...They had a large screen set up with a powerpoint. They even brought in families with their adopted children to tell us about their experiences! It was amazing. We had never even considered international adoption, mainly because I had assumed that we couldn't afford it, and we also wanted to try to help a local child. But, halfway through the Colombian presentation I was starting to get really excited. I looked at Jamie to gauge his reaction, fearing he wouldn't be on board with this sudden urge to change directions again. He met my eyes and whispered, "You know...we DO love to travel..." That was it. We were in. I can't really explain why it was Colombia or why we were able to just decide right then, without hesitation. It didn't hurt that the woman in charge of the Colombian program was warm, intelligent, passionate, and experienced. She adopted three children from Colombia, herself. We wanted someone like her guiding us through this new territory. And then there were the beautiful families we met. Their presence in that room made the idea real and tangible. We were going to be parents!
Whatever it was that convinced us, the feeling was mutual. We went home that night and filled out the pre-application online. We were both so joyful, for the first time in so many years. I remember being struck by the light shining through Jamie's eyes as we talked about it. Sadly enough, I almost didn't recognize it. He had spent so many years hurting, but there it was again...and it stayed. Over these past two months we have been joyful as we begin planning and filling out paperwork. We have a long road ahead of us and we know there are more frustrations and disappointments around the bend. The truth is, we haven't really even started yet. The paper work is filled out, but nothing could be submitted until the new year. Even so, the destination seems clearer than before. We can visualize our little family now. And thus, "The Heart of Hope" is named so to honor what was lost and is found again in the promise of a child...our child...at the end of this story.
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