“If we never experience the chill of a dark winter,
it is very unlikely that we will ever cherish the warmth of a bright summer’s day.
Nothing stimulates our appetite for the simple joys of life more than the starvation
caused by sadness or desperation. In order to complete our amazing life journey successfully, it is vital that we turn each and every dark tear into a pearl of wisdom,
and find the blessing in every curse.”
So many thoughts and emotions have collided in my mind and heart these past twenty-four hours...For once, I am struggling with words. Where to begin...
Right after I finished blogging yesterday morning, I received a message from my sister asking if we could Skype immediately. We connected and she informed me that my grandfather had a second heart attack Monday morning around 9am and that although he was conscious and speaking, the doctor had called to gather the family to prepare for a goodbye. Before the second heart attack, half of my grandpa's 88 year old heart was functioning at 15% of its capability. So, now...Well, they are estimating that he might be able to live a few days longer, at best, with 5-10% of half his heart working. But, this man...he is a rock. He is so physically strong. When my mom arrived at the hospital at 4am, he greeted her with, "Pam, I want to have a talk with you," and proceeded to cover all of the details he wanted squared away for his funeral preparations, my grandmother's care, his house, his money...He spoke to my father about taking the necessary precautions to maintain his own health with his somewhat recent pacemaker, and he expressed his concern for my mother and grandmother, as well. Always thinking of others and wanting all good things for his beloved family. Grandpa then reiterated his own wishes to die naturally with no unnecessary measures taken to sustain his life and asked to see his favorite priest, Father James, who responded immediately and arrived by 5:30 am.
Father James spent close to forty minutes praying over my grandfather and blessing him. When he finished, my grandfather looked from the priest to my mother and questioned, "Now what?" No one knew the answer...I guess, that's where faith steps in. But here it was, three hours later and I was watching my baby sister, all grown up and somber, breaking the news to me from a continent away. My precious five year old niece, Lydia, and eleven year old nephew, Malachi, sat on the couch behind her, wide-eyed and serious. They waved at Elias, with hesitant smiles and then suddenly sobered when they saw my tears. It must have seemed so foreign and confusing to them: All the happy, smiling adults in their lives were heavy with sorrow, yet there was still the joy of this new, bouncing, cooing baby boy smiling through it all.
I have to say that it doesn't all make sense, even to me. So often our greatest joys seem to sit side by side with deep loss and heartbreak. This is not the first time I've experienced such contradiction. My friend, Angela, and I had a discussion about this very thing right before we left for Colombia and my grandmother's health had just started to decline. At that point, my grandfather was still driving, mowing his lawn, and living in his own home with grandma. How quickly things have changed...
But, Angela and I were noticing how the universe often seems to present these yin and yang situations, forcing us into the comparison and the appreciation of the differences of two such great and powerful emotions. Without the hurt, could we fully appreciate and know the joy? That was our question. Is there a greater purpose or is it all happenstance? This is where faith becomes relevant.
Faith, to me, is acceptance without understanding. It is admitting that we don't know, we don't understand, and yet...somehow...We can still trust that in the bigger picture...the picture we cannot see, cannot even comprehend. Faith is believing that from a universal perspective it must make sense, that there is a logic far greater than that of our own feeble minds.
That's a big pill to swallow. I've had friends suffer such devastating losses that I could never expect or push that kind of faith at them. Honestly, I can't know if I could believe in a greater purpose should I suffer the heartbreak these incredibly resilient and amazing people have survived. Still...in my own life...That kind of faith has been modeled for me by my grandparents, instilled in me by so many I know and care for, and reinforced by my own circuitous, yet peculiarly balanced experiences. I don't always understand, but I always feel loved. I thank my family for that gift. The Love I feel starts with them, because they introduced me to it, but it is bigger and more encompassing than what we humans exchange. It is a Love beyond explanation and comprehension. It just IS.
I could write a whole entry on my thoughts about God and spirituality. Over the past few years, I've spent much time cultivating my relationship with my God and coming to terms with my own humanity. But, I'm way off topic for this supposed adoption themed blog- or maybe not. Because it all boils down to Love, doesn't it? That's the reoccurring theme that runs through my entries and my experiences again and again.
My grandpa is 88 years old and has lived a long, full life. Logically, I know I shouldn't be surprised nor torn apart by his impending passing. It is to be expected. Still, just the sheer amount of affection I have for the man, the respect and pride I feel when I think of or speak about my grandpa...The intensity of those emotions is enough to make saying "goodbye" difficult. Then, you add the physical distance, the barrier between me and my family that prevents me from comforting my mom or holding my grandma's hand as she loses her mate of 66 years...Even without a stomach virus, I think I'd be feeling out of sorts.
We spent all of yesterday sitting by my phone and checking email for updates from my sister. Grandpa had grown increasingly agitated throughout the day and kept asking when he could go "home." He emphatically told all of our family members that he was ready to die and he wanted someone to do something about it! While his heart and soul may be well prepared for the peace of an afterlife, his body is stubbornly clinging to this life. He is just too strong. They've given him morphine to help ease the discomfort, but that's all anyone can do for now. My father finally had to tell grandpa that what he was requesting was illegal, and that quieted him for awhile. My poor mom and grandma just want to see him free of pain, at this point, and Grandpa is begging for heaven. Where is the mercy in all of this? I don't understand, but I'm praying not for God's intervention, but for my own ability to accept what will be and to trust that Grandpa's love will be returned to him, in the end.
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| Grandpa, a World War II Navy Vet, at the Buffalo Naval and Military Park |
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| Grandma and Grandpa at their house in Austin, PA, Fourth of July, 2013 |
Around dinner time, we took a twenty minute walk to a large "Oma" cafe and restaurant that serves diner type meals and sells some of the best coffee in Colombia. We had been asked to bring back twenty bags of coffee that will be used to aide in our Families of FANA fundraisers, so we were able to check this off our list while also getting a little nourishment. Dinner was tasty; we both had the "Del Chef" or Chef's special which was a dish of steak, chicken and mushrooms in a light gravy rich with herbs. It was served with a side of tasty french fries- a familiar and appreciated treat! After dinner, Jamie purchased the twelve out of twenty bags of coffee that they had in the store while I played with Eli back at our table. An older couple sat down next to me and began admiring Eli and asking me questions about him. The man spoke English, thankfully, and it turned out that his companion worked in Cali, Colombia, for an adoption service! Such a small world, it is...They were just lovely and our little chat lifted my spirits.
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| Jamie and I sipping our old fashioned glass bottled cokes at OMA |
I think Elias might be cutting some new teeth, or sensing that I'm not feeling well, because he just didn't seem as lively as usual yesterday, and he had a tough time going to sleep. When I finally got him down, I was able to talk with my mom for almost an hour and hear all the details about her day with Grandpa and Grandma at the hospital. Again, the mix of emotions I feel for my mom right now is hard to explain. I'm so sad for what she is losing and it hurts me to know that she has to stand by, helplessly, and watch her father suffer. Yet, I am amazed and stirred by her inner strength and calm right now. She is doing what needs to be done, supporting her parents, and loving all of us as best she can as she faces one of the most difficult transitions of her life. Our time together wasn't spent totally in tears. We laughed as she shared some comical quotes from my grandparents and we both reflected, wistfully, on the circle of life...Children become adults and parents, parents become grandparents, and grandparents move on...New children are born and the cycle continues. It is sad and joyful; we lose and gain. It hurts and heals.
This is life, all of it. We can't sign up for just half of the package deal. During a difficult time, a friend once said to me, "I just want to be happy! Is that too much to ask?" I laughed and said, "JUST happy? I think it IS too much to ask." Happy comes at a price. Rarely does it show up at your doorstep wrapped in a bow. When it does, it is only for a short visit because happy is high maintenance! It takes work and commitment, and above all...Happiness requires acceptance. Happiness as a general state of being is a choice about how we are going to view and respond to the world we live in and although we can improve our practice of happiness, I think it is next to impossible to always be with it. That's my sermon!
When we hung up with my mom, I immediately checked my email and Facebook account for for any FANA updates and was rewarded with long awaited good news. Our friends, the Adelman family, now have a fourth member: Rhode Joseph Adelman! Jamie and I both burst into tears when we first saw his sweet little face. Another beautiful little boy, only five months old, will find a loving home and a forever family with the Adelmans. This is so good.
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| Looking at our Bogotá guide book together... |
We decided that we really needed to get out and do something interesting today, but fate intervened, again. We went back to Oma for breakfast and picked up the rest of our coffee. It was a nice walk and another yummy meal.
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| Headed out for breakfast |
Well... After that hour long car ride, we were in and out of Freddy's shop in about 10 minutes. Here's the gist of it- Cut, Clarity, Color....MELTDOWN! We've only seen Eli this upset once before and it was right before we found out he had the ear infection. He was screaming, thrashing, pushing us away...Absolutely inconsolable. Freddy was trying to show us stones and neither of us could concentrate due to the ear piercing shrieks of our son. It didn't take long and Jamie said, "I don't think we can do this right now." Freddy expressed his concern that Eli was seriously ill and was very kind about excusing us and inviting us to come back again soon.
Back in the taxi for another hour's worth of car ride to the apartment, Eli quieted, began singing, smiling and playing peacefully with Jamie and I. The cab driver looked at us in the rearview mirror, and shrugged his shoulders. What is there to say? I suppose he could be sick again, and I'm definitely going to be on high alert for signs of illness the next few days, but I think it is more likely he just threw a temper tantrum. We are a little "out of whack" right now, emotionally. Doesn't it make sense that our baby would sense that and react, as well? We've been home for two hours now and he's been playing independently, ate his full dinner, and is currently laying on the quilt just quietly loving up his daddy.
I think I will go and join them. I can hear the birds chirping outside our windows and the sun is just beginning to set on the little green garden this table looks out to. So, our plans for tourism haven't panned out so well...I can't help but feel that the best sight to see is right here in the living room.
Everything else can wait.
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