LOVE

Nothing prepares you for this moment. You think about it, imagine it, hear stories of others who've walked this path...

But, until you are handed your future, until you see the love of your life, your husband, transformed into a father...

Until you realize that your loss, your empty ache, your waiting, no longer define you...

Until your child finds you and looks into your eyes...

And you he smiles and laughs and reaches for you...

You don't really know what adoption means.
Today, life changed forever. I am a different woman than I was yesterday. My husband and I, always a team, always friends, have a deeper, more purposeful partnership. Instant parenthood does that. It is sink or swim and who wouldn't dive into those beautiful eyes without a second thought?!!

Our heads are full of wonder and our hearts are full of love. We have a son.

We woke up this morning around seven am, nervous and happy. We received a phone call around 9am that Maria Teresa de Perez, our driver, would be picking us up at 10:50am to take us to FANA. By then, we had already eaten breakfast and we had been killing time reading parenting books to each other while we waited for that phone call.

Once we knew that our appointment was around 11:30am, we started moving quickly. We had already showered and prepared and Jamie had packed a bag for Eli the night before.  We just had to change into our presentation outfits and we were out the door to meet Maria Teresa in the parking garage of our hotel. We stopped by the main office, and the room of an English speaking friend we'd made, Maria Christina, to drop off some cookies and thank you notes. Everyone here has been so helpful and kind to us. After our quick gratitude stops, we went down to the lower level garage to wait for Maria Teresa. This is when I started to feel the gravity of the situation. My stomach was churning, I felt slightly dizzy and my heart was racing! We were finally going to meet our son!

We had been warned that everything in Colombia moves a little slower than in the US and that their schedules are a bit more flexible than we are used to. But, by 11:10am, we were getting worried. We walked up to the street and tried to talk to the guards at the gates of the hotel about our situation, thinking that perhaps we had missed our ride. In the process, Maria Teresa must have passed us and she was now looking for us in the garage! We did finally connect around 11:20...traffic was very bad for some reason was worse than usual around La Fontana, and she apologized for being late. We also apologized for not being where she had expected to find us! She called FANA to tell them we were on our way and took an alternate route to avoid some of the traffic. It is about a twenty minute ride to FANA from the apartment, which is located in the Suba district of Bogotá. Suba used to be its own town until the 1940s, and as you drive out of the center of the city, the landscape changes to roadside fruit stands, crowded tenement style housing, bumpier roads, green, lush foliage and less traffic. Because Colombia was playing Japan in the World Cup today, every street we drove down was flooded with people in their bright yellow soccer jerseys. It was a very festive atmosphere.

The Entrance to FANA

FANA is currently under construction, as they are moving the "Hogar" (their home for unwed mothers) into the same building as the children's facility. We pulled off the road and down into a parking garage that was filled with old furniture, probably due to the move. Upstairs, we found a large, open atrium space with lots of light and windows. Above this, was a floor of offices, and the green room. Maria Teresa led us straight to the green room and told us that we would probably wait for a bit. In the meantime, she copied our passports and had us sign a few documents. Then Maria Teresa de Maldonado (this Maria Teresa is not our driver, but is one of the directors of staff at FANA) came in to welcome us. She told us that we would be meeting, shortly, with Lorena Panqueva Hoyos, the resident doctor at FANA and also the nutritionist to discuss Eli's diet and schedule.

The Green Room at FANA

As we waited nervously, pacing the room and looking at all the photos of past referrals, we saw a beautiful young girl peek into the green room and smile. She had a Colombian soccer jersey on and was there with a whole group of people. Maria Teresa de Maldonado returned and introduced us to Camilla, her parents, and her friends. Camilla had been adopted from FANA as a baby. She grew up in Washington, D.C. and had returned now, at 19 years of age, to receive her personal records and visit FANA. She was also going to assist in our presentation, along with two other beautiful young ladies, Laura and Lena, who had also made the same journey. Camilla's parents looked at us, knowingly, through tear filled eyes and congratulated us. They said it seemed like it had just been yesterday that they had been waiting, like us, in the green room for their daughter. Having this family and the young ladies and their friends there was somehow very comforting. Perhaps, in large part, because they spoke English and they completely understood our wild emotions at that time. But, having three FANA children, grown and beautiful and self-composed, there to present our own FANA child to us, felt so special and the experience connected us to the larger adoption community in a way we can't really find words for. Let us just say we are so thankful that it happened this way.

Camilla

Next, Lorena, Eli's doctor, met with us and reviewed his medical history with us. It was such a pleasure to meet her, in person, as we had spoken many times on the phone. Jamie and I both found her to be absolutely charming. She so obviously invested in her FANA kids and spoke about Eli with such care and concern. She explained that things were a bit disorganized today, due to the moving, construction, and a field trip that the older children were supposed to go on, so the nutritionist was unavailable to meet with us. She did print out a schedule with food suggestions for us and answered the questions we were able to come up with in our blur of anxiety and anticipation. After she left, Camilla and the others disappeared for a bit and we waited, alone. For me, it seemed like everything suddenly went into slow motion. I could hear my heart beating and my pulse, which had been racing all day, suddenly slowed. I felt this sense of calm come over me and then the tears...

Maria Teresa de Maldonado came in and motioned for us to step back, around the corner, so that we wouldn't see the procession coming down the hall. Several staff members gathered around the entrance to the room and there was the snap of photos and a sweet teenage boy, a friend of Camilla's, backed into the room, recording everything on my iPhone...and then, there he was! Cradled in Laura's arms and flanked by a beaming Camilla and Lena, was our perfectly handsome, wide-eyed, serene little boy, Elias James Holden.

The Presentation

Laura placed Eli in my arms and I pressed my face to his, taking in the warmth, the smell and the weight of his little body next to mine. The beauty of that moment was breathtaking. I felt a complete surrender as years of protective walls tumbled down around this innocent, accepting little angel. I passed him to Jamie and he immediately locked eyes with his daddy and turned up the corners of his mouth in a little smile as Jamie made silly faces and sounds for him.

The rest is a little fuzzy. There were pictures and well wishes...I bounced Eli up into the air and back down and he grinned for me. I commented, "Oh, he likes to bounce!" Maria Teresa Maldonado very sternly corrected me, "No. Not here." Confused, I asked, "There's no bouncing here?" "No," she replied, this time with a half smile, "You can bounce him if you like, but we don't do that here." I quickly stilled my body and stifled a giggle as Jamie gave me the "Nice move, Heather" look. Then, we snuggled him into our new Baby Bjorn carrier and we were saying goodbye and headed back to the car with our driver, the other Maria Teresa (de Perez).

On the way out to the car, I asked Maria Terese de Perez, "So, you don't bounce babies in Colombia?" She smiled and replied, "No. You American mothers sway back and forth (demonstrating) and bounce, bounce, bounce. But, not here. It is not good for the mom. The baby likes it, but then the mom has to do it all the time!" Aha!!! Smart women here in Colombia! But, try as I might, I cannot stop swaying or bouncing my beautiful baby. Guess it is culturally ingrained! Anyway, he likes it and so do I. So, this mama is gonna bounce!

Since car seats are not used in Colombia, Jamie kept Eli in the carrier most of the way home. As we got back toward the hotel and the traffic slowed down, we noticed that he was getting a little overheated. So we opened the carrier and I put him on my lap. He stared out the window, taking everything in. He has only been outside of FANA once or twice for a trip to the hospital, so all of the sounds and sights were very new to him. Near the end of the ride, he began to focus on me, grabbing my hair and having a gibberish conversation with me. He also immediately attached to the little dog we had brought for him and kept a firm grip on it, often putting one of the dogs ears often in his mouth! Jamie and I were able to make him laugh a few times and he seemed quite content, but a little tired. He had missed his nap due to the presentation, so as soon as we got into the apartments, we changed him into some comfy clothes and put him down in his crib, as we had been advised. He rolled around for a bit and jabbered (Jamie and I took turns peeking into the room, watching his every move) and then he was sound asleep and napped for over an hour. I think he would have slept longer, but we wanted to try to get him back on his schedule, so I woke him up and we gave him a little snack which he ate with no fuss or complications.

The afternoon and evening were spent communicating with family and playing on the floor with Eli. Jamie ran out to a different grocery store and bought us more fruits and vegetables so we could use our baby bullet and prepare some more foods for Eli. We had previously purchased the formula FANA recommended, Nan 2, but he is down to only 3 seven ounce bottles a day, the rest of his diet is comprised of real foods! He has two little bottom teeth coming in, so he's drooling a bit and often has his tongue rolling over his lower gum. We couldn't believe how interactive he was with us, after his nap. We had an amazing evening with him, watching him begin to crawl toward his little dog, and getting him to laugh and make noises with both of us. We are mesmerized by him. We love to just watch him discover his surroundings. He has such a sweet demeanor and his little smile and dimple completely melt me.

He went down easily at 8pm, as scheduled, and he woke up, right on time, again at midnight for his last bottle. From 12:00am-1:15am he had his first melt down. I think he woke up and realized he didn't know where he was and didn't recognize our voices. His room was dark and quiet and I'm unsure of the details of his former sleep environment. But, at any rate, he was exhausted and inconsolable. He drank most of his bottle, but after that, it was just crying and thrashing. We rotated shifts of holding and consoling him, letting him cry in his crib while rubbing his back, and then leaving him alone in the crib for a few minutes. Around 1am, he fell asleep for a few minutes in Jamie's arms and then woke with a shudder and started crying again. We decided to try to let him cry himself to sleep. The plan was to give it a solid ten minutes, even though it was 1am and we were pretty sure our neighbors hated us by now. I stayed in the bed in his room, but out of his sight and Jamie went back into our room to get some sleep. It didn't even take five minutes and Eli was fast asleep, with me right behind him! We all slept soundly until 7am, when I woke him for his morning bottle.

To be honest, I expected much worse for his first night in a new environment, lacking everything familiar to him. I have to say I'm a pretty proud mama right now. I believe God heard my prayers and our little boy is brave and resilient. Now, all we have to do is keep up our part of the bargain and continue to be patient and accepting of whatever his process is. Today was bliss. Whatever tomorrow brings, I will hold today in my heart and know that this love I am experiencing will only deepen and grow with time. Screaming or laughing, my son is an incredible gift. I'm so honored to be his mama.