Thursday, June 26, 2014

What It Means to be Married

Today, Jamie and I celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary, and this is how we started our day...
Elias, after his morning bottle
Over and over again, this little guy takes our breath away. We keep looking at each other, through tears and shaking our heads in disbelief. "He's ours!" After so many years of trying to create a family, carrying around the emptiness of that missing piece, struggling with feelings of failure and frustration, trying not to get caught up in "why us?" but silently wondering, every day, when our turn would come or if it ever would...After twelve years of seeking parenthood and sixteen years of marriage, there are no more questions. Eli is the why.

I've always said that our wedding was the most amazing day of my life. It was a perfect day. I am a "Type A," control-freak, detail oriented, sort of person. My mind is always running a mile a minute and I have a hard time relaxing unless I think it is my "job" to relax, as in yoga or during a massage. Give me a "job" and I'm all over it! But, without an assignment, I get a little anxious...Our wedding day was an exception to this rule. We planned for a year and a half and every detail was taken care of; all the "jobs" were delegated. The day Heather Klein became Heather Holden felt like a "time out" from being me! I wasn't stressed at all. I sort of floated through the day, all bliss and joy...so certain of the choice I was making and the love Jamie and I shared.

June 26th, 1998
For there has never been a shortage of love.

We've had a great romance...A story with its share of twists and turns, heart break and triumph. We've loved unabashedly, without reserve. Over the course of sixteen years, we've probably had more than our fair share of happiness. We have lived our life with a spirit of celebration and passion for each other, for growth and for new experiences. But, we've also stumbled along the way. There have been losses, heartache, and disappointments that took their toll. We've hurt each other and forgiven, we've sometimes taken our relationship for granted, and at one time...we came dangerously close to losing all that we had invested in the building of our marriage. After a period of great struggle, we finally learned to honestly love one another unconditionally. I know that unconditional is a word we throw around loosely in this culture of Disney princess romances, but parents know the true meaning of unconditional love and they also know that it is easier to give it to a child than a spouse. In fact, I dare say it is rare amongst spouses. While I will never claim to do it perfectly, our marriage has become my proudest accomplishment. We have worked harder than we ever imagined we would when we spoke those vows, "for better or worse," on June 26th, 1998, but the result of that work is a relationship and a love that I didn't even know was possible at 22 years of age.


Renewing our vows, June 26th, 2010
When we renewed our wedding vows on our 12th anniversary, in 2010, we also renewed our commitment to creating a family. We gathered our strength and researched our options. In 2011, after eight years of the infertility roller coaster ride, we began our adoption journey.

And here we are, today. 




Yes, that little bald spot is the back of our beautiful son's head! We, rather naively, attempted a nice dinner out tonight, to celebrate. Although we had a fantastic time, I think it was a bit much for Eli.
You can see how out of our minds we were with happiness while our little guy more or less tolerated our agenda!



He had such a great day. Last night, he slept soundly through the night. When we woke him for his midnight feeding he was peaceful and cooperative and went right back down. This morning, he woke up snuggly and happy. We were able to Skype with my mom and Grandma this morning and he even laughed and "chatted" with them for a bit.

At 9:30am, we put Eli in his umbrella stroller for the first time and met up with Maria Teresa de Perez for a walk to the notary. He fussed a bit when we first harnessed him in, but as soon as the stroller started moving he was perfectly content and was incredibly good, even at the notary, where everyone commented on his sweet little face- "muy bonito!"

Eli's first outing
He had no interest in lunch when we returned to the apartment, but went down willingly for his nap.
While he was sleeping, I called the FANA doctor, Lorena, just to check in. She had encouraged me to give her a call with any questions or concerns I had during these first few days. I told her about the eating issue and she reassured me that it is quite normal for an adopted infant to refuse food for a few days. She said his fussing was likely due to the teething, but also that he is dealing with so much change that he is probably trying to have some power over the few things he can control. He can refuse to eat, so he does. She encouraged us to add another bottle or two to his schedule for the next few days, since he takes the formula with no issue. Wisely, she also advised us not to give the bottle to him right away, when he refuses the food, but to wait at least a half hour before replacing the meal with formula. This way, we won't reinforce the idea that if he refuses to eat, he will get a bottle. Lorena was pleased to hear that our little family was bonding so quickly and that Eli was interacting lovingly with us.

While Eli was sleeping, Jamie and I also broke down and decided to get some take out food for lunch instead of preparing our own meal. As wonderful as this whole experience has been, it has also been emotionally taxing. We are far from home, away from our families and friends, in a country that does not speak our language, and a city that we are unfamiliar with. We've had incredible support on all fronts and we aren't complaining, just acknowledging that it is challenging. Today, we decided that we should cut ourselves a break and let someone else make a meal for us! Not even a block away is an American style burger joint called Archie's where Jamie was able to secure some pizza for himself and a bacon cheeseburger and fries for me! (Bacon DOES exist in Colombia!) Talk about an indulgence! We don't even eat that way at home very often, but it felt like exactly the right thing today.

When Eli woke up from his nap, we made a bottle for him and he drank almost all of it. We played for a bit on the floor in the living room until, after several drizzly, overcast days, the sun suddenly popped out. Light streamed in through our windows and energized us! We decided to take another walk while the weather was so nice and get some groceries at a smaller, less crowded grocery store we had discovered up the street.

Eli was very quiet and good for this outing. During his time at FANA, he did not go outside. He had some respiratory issues early on and was born a little premature, so they were very cautious and they didn't want him out in bad weather. He has only been outdoors once or twice to visit the hospital. Bustling Bogotá, with all of its traffic, noise and people was quite a sight for him to behold. His eyes scanned the scene quickly, trying to take everything in. Even though the sun was out, we dressed him warmly and snuggled him into the stroller with a blanket. We stopped at Pan Pá Ya for cappuccinos and sat in the shade outside. I ordered a little cornbread piece to share with Jamie and offered a bit of the warm soft bread to Eli. He took it from my fingers with no complaints and when I pulled another small piece off for him he grabbed my hand for more! It was a wonderful feeling to see him happy to eat with us. There's something about the action of sharing food...communion, I suppose, that makes our little trio feel more like a family.

We loaded up on groceries, getting the essentials but this time adding some familiar treats to have on hand for comfort during moments of culture shock. We actually found bacon (toccinetta) at this new grocery store and we picked up some cheese, pepperoni and crackers for a snack as well as a dark chocolate bar and two packs of M&Ms! (We all have our weaknesses and chocolate is among mine!) We were glad we had chosen to bring a stroller to Bogotá with us (thanks to Clare Zgaljardic) when we were able to load the bottom of it with groceries and hang some of the other bags off the handles.

When we arrived home, Jamie made Eli some dinner while I cleaned up for our 6:00pm dinner reservation at the hotel's restaurant. Eli actually ate a good amount of pureed potato and chicken for Jamie and some juice! We were thrilled!

Our happy day ended with our celebration dinner at a lovely restaurant we don't even know the name of! It is in the courtyard of La Fontana and the staff there were so accommodating. The food was very good and they gave us a table, alone, near the back of the room where Eli's fussing wouldn't bother anyone. It was a busy day for our boy and we were probably asking a bit much by expecting him to attend a formal dinner reservation with us. Still, we were more than happy to take turns holding him in our laps or walking around with him in our arms, softly singing songs to lull him.

As I sat with my meal and watched my husband, across the room, head to head with our son, so gently rocking him and quietly singing a lullaby, tears began to flow down my cheeks. The scenario must have been perplexing to onlookers: a woman crying alone at a table set for two, a stuffed dog discarded on the floor next to a bright red stroller, and a man with a baby, pacing the restroom area of the restaurant and singing- not the usual fine dining fare, but for us it made perfect sense.

This is what it means to be married: Jamie's love-filled eyes meeting mine across the room, the tears that fall in gratitude for the gift of husband, father, partner and best friend, the taking of turns so that each gets nourishment, is allowed a peaceful moment to reflect, but is also, in turn, granted the honor of being the pacifier and the source of comfort to our precious miracle of a son. Marriage is the broken road that brought us here and the mountain top view of Eli's smile. It isn't perfect, it isn't easy, and it isn't always pretty, but it is a deep understanding and a knowing familiarness I share with no one else. It is romance and passion, but also homemade dinners and helping with dishes. My marriage is a choice, everyday, to love, to appreciate, and to respect the sanctity of the most emotionally and physically intimate relationship I will know in this lifetime. And, oh, it is such a worthwhile endeavor! The rewards of our tried and true union are abundant and incredibly valuable. Tonight, I thank God for every step of our journey.

When we renewed our vows, we lit our unity candle to a song by Sara Groves titled, "Different Kinds of Happy." It really spoke to the evolution of our marriage...
Better than our promises
Is the day we got to keep them,
I wish those two could see us now
They never would believe how 
There are different kinds of happy...
With Eli, we have discovered a whole new kind of happy. What an amazing anniversary present.

5 comments:

  1. I woke up this morning in a twin mattress next to another twin mattress on the floor of our summer sublet by UB to take our dog outtside for a walk at 7AM. I came back in and checked out facebook.I'm extremely happy for you guys but I wa.t you to know as I read this it has calmed me a little bit about my own engagement. just getting to bear a little bit of your story has eased.my.mind.a.bit. For that I thank you. best wishes.to.you both. Eli is a.beautiful baby boy. I look forward to reading more of your journey together.

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  2. Absolutely Beautiful :) Happy Anniversary

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  3. Love all these pics - the wedding, the baby! Love the scene of you in the restaurant crying. Haha! Too much love. (Or "Bliss" as you would say! LOL)

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  4. Eric and Christina VanCampJune 27, 2014 at 12:37 PM

    Beautiful--thank you for sharing. When my husband and I brought home our adopted son, we would sit in his room and watch him sleep. Love for him just overflowing our hearts. Enjoy these days, they grow up so fast. Eli is so beautiful and is lucky to have you and your husband.

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